Young Pimp,

I have a problem. My grandparents think that I am this great person, that I have lots of friends, and that I have a really nice girlfriend. The fact is, I don’t have very many friends at all, and people pick on me. There is this girl that I really like, but she never talks to me. She doesn’t even know I exist. The thing is, my grandparents are going to come up from Albany next weekend, and I want them to see everything in me that they believe I am. I need a hot girlfriend, and people to like me. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Epitome of a Loser

Epitome of a Loser,

Do you want me to be honest? You ARE a loser if you actually care that much about grandma and grandpa, and what they think about that. I’m sorry, but I’m going to lay it down straight. If you spent time actually thinking about yourself instead of other people, you’d get somewhere. No one is going to want to be friends with a loser who is actually nice to other people for no reason. Let me give you a list of rules to follow in order to get somewhere in life.

1. Don’t be nice to ANYONE unless you need something from them, especially women. If you want head, then be nice; if you want to get laid, then be nice; otherwise, fuck them over as much as you can. What do you think they do to you, actually care about you? No. So do what I say.

2. Don’t care that much about women. If you care that much about one girl, then your life is over. You need to fuck around, be a pimp, player, or whatever you call it. Don’t worry if you love the bitch or not, they’re all whores. The main thing to remember is what Nike tells you, “Just Do It.” Don’t care if it’s nice, mean, tall, fat, skinny, or mini, whatever. “Just Do It”; fuck the tall, fuck it all!

3. Care about YOURSELF instead of OTHER PEOPLE. Don’t be the caring person in any situation, unless you need to get laid. That is a rule. Being nice (#1) or CARING (#3) are both out of the question all together. You don’t need to care about anything besides getting laid. Ok? Everything you care about should have to do with you, and being selfish; if not, then it isn’t ok.

There are the three main rules to follow, my friend. In this case, you aren’t being an asshole; you’re just being a man. If you’d e-mailed Gillman, he would have replied much in the same way. I’ve learned much from him, and now I hope I can teach you. So I hope next weekend you will make the right decision. Have a bitch over, and be rude to her right in front of your grandparents. Don’t use manners, and show them you don’t give a shit. They may not want to visit anymore, but who wants to see grandparents anyway? You’ve just ‘killed two birds with one stone’; no more annoying family members, and now you are no longer one of the biggest losers who has ever visited Varms.net. I hope this has helped you.

Sincerely,

The Psychotic Young Pimp