How long have you been with Varms.Net?

Resol: Since the beginning; ground floor baby. I used to be a forum mod...but now I'm a highly-skilled, highly-paid writer.

Masked Man: I think for about a year… I came in after the site started, but didn’t tell anyone (save one person) whom I was for about a month. Then Resol started editing my posts, so I had to tell him who I was so he would stop (you’re such a jerk, Resol).

Bucko: Well, I’ve been involved since we decided to update Gillman’s Wil Wheaton page into a real one. Together, we decided it would be easy to conquer the Universe with bad taste and misogyny. Hooray!

Dark Broderick: Hmm…I went to visit Gillman and meet Bucko at the former “palace” a year ago and was bombarded with Wil Wheaton, Ninja Empire, pirates, and the word ‘Varms’. I watched these guys grow this site and even used to post under this name at the beginning; then I disappeared when my user name went into a five-month state of suspended animation. Been working as a proofreader for about two weeks (learning the difference between “bad grammar” and “style choice”); maybe you’ll even see me write.

Young Pimp: It has been a few months now. It’s been longer than five, because I started on Varms.Net right before I started dating my girlfriend. Hence the reason I bitch about ex-girlfriends in my first rant. I hope to stay with Varms for a long time to come. It won’t die…I know it won’t. No one would let such a great thing just go to hell. Shit, I’d pay for it, if it came down to having Varms or not. This is a thing that I think Gillman will take to his grave.

Gillman: Between me and Bucko, we were Varms, in the beginning. At some point I decided to give everyone around us a chance to write on it. At first I thought, “Free Publication”, then that just sounded stupid. I think we are slowly turning into some kind of webzine (I still hate that word). So after dragging this on for too long and not making one mention of the magicians that we had to kill to make sure that we haven’t been sued over small little things, I would like to say, “long enough”.

Why did you get involved with Varms?

Resol: Gillman threatened me with bodily harm.

Masked Man: Gillman on the web? A chance to say what I wanted without fear of (serious) reprisal? Women, alcohol, and talking about anything? Who wouldn’t? Seriously though…because it’s fun. These guys are my friends and this is one of the ways we stay in contact.

Bucko: I was bored and looking for something to do, and you [Gillman] were forcing me to spend time with you [Gillman] in the computer lab where you [Gillman] still pretend to work. Then we signed up for Angelfire and a legend was born. Also, I wanted to get a chance to use my new digital camera, Corky, but, sadly, he’s retarded.

Dark Broderick: I always kind of wanted to help out but couldn’t get myself to put up anything worth reading...so just tried to find a way to make myself useful. I have this bad habit of laughing at things that are ridiculous and ‘wrong’ (and probably not actually funny at all), and I feel this site embodies that sentiment very well.

Young Pimp: Gillman showed me Varms.Net. I really admired the whole thing about it. It seemed very fun. I mean, it’s not every day you can say whatever the hell you want about shit you hate and get it published online. I would fucking send the page my rant was on to all the people I hated and ranted about. I mean…it opens up so many windows. Gillman helps you to become a better writer in a fun kind of way. Not to mention you can swear the fuck out of everyone and bitch about everything. Varms.net is all about controversy and pissing people off, that’s what I love about it.

Gillman: Bucko made me. I think that the entire idea for starting a website had something to do with Bucko trying to cheer me up after a soulless whore tried to take mine and make some kind of saltwater taffy out of it. I attempted to start my own, but it was almost like someone had just taken all of the bitter in the world and made a really bad glass of lemonade with it. Everyone knew what it should be, but most people were confused on what, or why it had become that. Bucko tried to give me some direction on what to do. We soon wanged Angelfire and were forced to get a real site. We then realized that we were small fish in a big ocean. Bucko then left me.

How many articles have you written for Varms?

Resol: There are sixteen on the web at this point, but I am damn sure I wrote a 17th....
The sixteen are the best things going; in fact, I have been told that, in China, a print-out of one of my writings can get you a roll of toilet paper or a Happy Meal!

Masked Man: ::Laughs:: …well, there’s one…but it’s not quite finished, and I haven’t given it to Gillman yet. I will someday. I also did a panel thing with Gilman and Resol about end of the year games. I was the only one who liked Return of the King, I think. But I’m going to finish Rant #1, then move on to many more rants. I promise.* (*Promise is subject to availability. A professional driver did all promises on a closed course. Do not attempt this at home.)

Bucko: Not enough. I wrote all the early “Adventures” sections as an exercise with Corky, I wrote some poetry and a short story, and then I wrote only about ten actual articles. And I would like to state for the record that Gamma Sig was asking for it.

Dark Broderick: Heh.

Young Pimp: I have two rants up on Varms.Net. I have an adventure in the Adventure section. I also participated in the “Varms.Net Best/Worst Game Awards 2003”. Of course, I have had many articles that were not posted. They only take the good shit. It can be hard to make things good enough all the time.

Gillman: I am guessing several thousand at this point. Once, I was told that I was writing too much; then recently I was told that I was in no way writing enough. I quickly became confused and the site suffered. If there is a section of the site, I have probably tried to scare that area with some sad attempt of my opinion. Strangely, the readers keep telling me to write more. Bastards.

What was your favorite (part/rant of/on the site) and why?

Resol: The one where I said Varms controlled the Illuminati...’cause we do ya know...ask Dillinger...

Masked Man: Christmas Craptacular…‘nuff said. As for the site itself, the boards. The Holy Grail of irreverence and un-PC-ness.

Bucko: My favorite article is probably my last, as it saw my hatred and bitterness finally focus itself into a somewhat sharp blade of smiting, aimed at the moron in California who thinks that “LiveJournal” is a singles bar for non-single people. I think that that article should be printed into a real brochure and handed out along with finger condoms and dental dams at every college safe-sex fair from now on.

Dark Broderick: “Punishment of Lime”, definitely.

Young Pimp: I have to say my adventure was my favorite because I really liked writing it. Though it might be tied with the “Best/Worst” because I like how Gillman set it up. He really cared about what each Varms.Net writer had to say about the games. He didn’t just let his opinion rule.

Gillman: When other people write something for it. Why? Because it means that I get a day off and it doesn’t make the site look nearly as empty as it probably is. Also, I enjoyed it when I almost got sued for something that I didn’t write. On top of that it is always enjoyable when someone I don’t know comes up to me and quotes something on the site. For some reason most of them are women, who then hit on me. I thought that was odd. Weird.

What do you see in the future for Varms?

Resol: Hardcore porn... I know Gillman... I think in a few years, Gillman will have some hardcore porn that he filmed. So we can expect very bad porn with poor lighting. A reviewer will give it a half boner. That is the future, friends... I can't stop it, you can't stop it. We just know it's going to happen...

Masked Man: Seriously? More irreverence, more Frank-bashing, and more random posts about bizarre things on the boards.

Bucko: As long as we’ve got each other, we’ve got the world spinning right in our hands. Sharing the laughter and love.

Also, probably some aliens with wicked awesome powered body armor

Dark Broderick: As proofreader, I’m looking forward to people using more fucked-up words, like ‘juristically’, in sentences.

Young Pimp: I see a bright future. People hating each other and getting pissed off at Varms.Net writers for a long time. Which is the only way I like it. If Varms ever changes juristically I wouldn’t want to be a part of it. It wouldn’t be any fun to me.

Gillman: Me attempting to get things in on time for everyone. That would be the first step into making this site more popular again. Also, I might start hosting videos on the site and doing crazy things like adding more sub-domains. Maybe even add an entire area for movies or anime or something.

What does Varms mean to you?

Resol: Gillman yelling at me a lot. Some guy who hit on a midget and got rejected. That kind of thing. It is more of a deep physical sensation, like I have to take a shit really badly...oh wait, I do...later...

Masked Man: Simply this…fun. We say what we want, we do what we want, and screw anyone who doesn’t like it. Especially Frank. May he rot in hell…

Bucko: It means that the car light is still on, and if you don’t close the door properly, you’re going to kill my battery and I’m going to kick your weasely little ass.

Dark Broderick: Vultures Ate Reiser’s Mandatory Sports-jacket.

Young Pimp: The word “varms” to me means: a noun…maybe a group of people. We varms write about shit we hate. Like a group of bastards trying to piss people off for fun. Or it could be the noun for the act of pissing people off. The little varms that we do to fuck with people. Varms.Net means a lot to me. It gives me a place to reflect on who I am on the inside and out. Things that bother me that can’t be shared with anyone can go on Varms. We all have our alter-egos. Varms.Net is my life…

Gillman: It means that I am going to try not to go insane when I put up a deadline that in no way makes sense to anyone else in the world. It means that I have something to do on the days that Penny-Arcade and Megatokyo take off. It means that I get to tell people I don’t know that the world could be entirely worse, and that is why I am not allowed to run for office in most states.