The Year in Review

2004

Best moment of the year:

Booth: When the Boston Red Sox shut my big mouth about baseball being predictable and boring, and winning the World Series for the first time since 1918, and got those Yankee fans to stop chanting “WHO’S YO DADDY?”, which is the worst rallying cry I have ever heard in sports.

Agent420: Red Sox win the World Series

Resol: I got a photograph published in a magazine without really trying. My mom gave a photo I shot and developed to a lady she new and it got published. It's a bit odd...but hell it's fuckin cool as hell…

Young Pimp: I don’t know, there were a fucking lot of good moments. Probably one of them spent with my girlfriend would have been the best. You all know how that goes. I would have to say the time I got drunk with her. Then again I got drunk with a friend this year, which was number one on the awesome drunk times, up until I had the drunk time with Kace… that ruled… and will rule my awesome drunk times for an eternity to come.

Masked Man: The Olympics. You don’t know how much it pains me to say this, as it was not that much. We saw some true athletes prosper (Women’s softball and basketball) and the pretenders exposed (Men’s basketball). Shows that on some level, sports can still be somewhat pure.

Bucko: Michael Moore winning the Cannes Film festival. Even if the movie didn’t deserve it as a film, it pissed off the fuckers that I’m always glad to watch get pissed off.

Gillman: Having friends come over and play Halo 2 on X-Box Live! and scream at them to shut the fuck up, then later finding out that entire apartments and houses of people were sitting around listening to me yell at my drunken friends to stop being gay, and to never bring up the subject of “Seamen Wars” ever again.

Elise: The Red Sox won the World Series

Worst moment of the year:

Booth: I think you all know. It was when Justin Timberlake, so anxious to prove he wasn’t a homo, got a little too frisky with Janet Jackson’s dress, and ended up exposing her oddly dressed nipple on national TV, causing religious prudes and their suburbanite lemmings to stand up yell even louder than before, which of course led to widespread censorship hereafter on network TV. Even “Saving Private Ryan” wasn’t safe from this onslaught. Nice going Justin. Good luck picking up your career after W’s administration bars gays and liberals from even speaking on TV under the new and even stricter FCC guidelines that are sure to come.

Agent420: Bush wins the election

Resol: RED STATES

Young Pimp: Probably when I was all depressed for about a month. There was seriously something wrong with me. I couldn’t trust people… I had to get drunk more. Kaycee and I had gotten into so many fights… she was a bitch nonstop for about 2 fucking months. I had no way to control it, so I went into a deep stage of depression… being trashed was the only way to make it better.

Masked Man: Well, the election season (not to be confused with the result, that’s a different rant). Showed just how petty and child-like the entire country is. It doesn’t matter what side you were on, everyone acted like they were 5. Makes me glad I’m apolitical (but yes, I did vote).

Bucko: George W. Fucking Bush winning the goddamned reins to the Presidency again. Someone is really going to have to go to town on that fuck. John Hinckley just got out of jail, didn’t he? Some one should tell him that Jodie Foster still isn’t impressed…

Gillman: Any moment that any woman anywhere felt that she had any right of any kind.

Elise: I was going to say the day after the election, but it was topped out by the Indonesian earthquake/tsunami.

Weirdest thing that happened this year:

Booth: When Joan and Melissa Rivers agreed to start doing red carpet shows with the TV guide channel. And this better than E! because?…

Agent420: Toss up
1. Red Sox win the series
2. Bush wins the election

Resol: Britney Spears got married for 53 hours.....ha ha ha that was some funny shit. Now how can they say gay people are ruining marriage?

Young Pimp: I won best eyes in my High School yearbook. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on; all these people were congratulating me. I guess I was still stuck in the notion that I was a loser, being one from 6th to 9th grade would have put that into my head. People hated me and made fun of me all the time. Then in 9th grade I really started to make friends. Well, real ones. Some people label me as cocky, but when you’ve come from having zero friends all together, up to being pretty popular, then you’re going to want to live it up. This is my life, this was my fucking year, and I didn’t waste it. And I had some great fucking times.

Masked Man: Besides the Red Sox winning the World Series?

Bucko: Michael Moore’s weirdass new Emo look at the People’s Choice Awards. I mean, I guess he’s entitled to listen to as much Dashboard Confessional as the next guy, but he looks like the drummer for a Weezer cover band.

Gillman: When my [ex]girlfriend asked me to have sex with her mother.

Elise: The Red Sox won the World Series

Worst TV show of the year:

Booth: It’s gotta be Father of The Pride. Horrible, excessively lewd and vulgar, and just plain wrong, especially when you consider that this was about talking animals. NBC learned the hard way that you can’t draw too many viewers with a show that only appeals to those fucking “furries” who want more material to whack off to.

Resol: Damn stupid ass reality anything. Man I hate reality...

Young Pimp: Anything with Mary Kate and Ashley with it. Those stupid twin whores. I’m sick of their shit. They think they’re all great just because they both fucking played Michelle in that stupid fucking show that I can’t remember the name with Bob Sagget. Now Bob was awesome, he was the best person for Americas Funniest Home Videos, but then they had the change that awesome show around a long time ago, while Mary Kate and Ashley stay the fucking same forever. When are they going to grow up, they play stupid little bitchy stuck up whore teens in every fucking movie and show they are in. Trying to search for “guys.” What the hell comes next? “Mary Kate and Ashley Threesome Experience” or
“Mary Kate and Ashley the Lesbian Incest Adventure.” Are these twins unstoppable?

Masked Man: ANY reality show, but especially the ones on FOX. Stick to the Simpsons, boys.

Bucko: Reality shows. All of them. I don’t care if you’re videotaping yourself having sex with a beached rotting whale while you gargle rancid cottage cheese and drive a Camaro off a cliff, I don’t want to watch it. So if you’ve been eliminated, voted off, won some sort of advantage, eaten something that you’d rather not have, or had to look at Donald trump for thirty consecutive seconds, you get a share in the award. Except for Flava Flav. He gets his own copy of the award.

Gillman: “VH1’s I Love the 90’s”. Not because I hate the 90’s, or because it was too soon, or because it was clear that after doing “I Love the 70’s money shot edition” that they had run out of things to make fun of, look back on, and simply list, none of those reasons. I hated it because it showed me all the pop-culture crap that I would have rather have forgotten about during the 90’s. I had almost forgotten that Alley McBeal was a show, an unreasonably popular show, until they reminded me. That is a pain that I can never forgive.

Elise: The Vice Presidential Debate.

Worst artist of the year:

Booth: Neo Soccer mom idol Josh Groban gets my vote. Not only does he have to do a song for every goddamn movie that comes out, and perform on every TV show and event out there, but he has the audacity to do it in that exceptionally bad hairstyle of his. Josh! You’ve got the pipes man, but you’re wasting them on all this commercial crap. And get a fucking haircut for god’s sake!

Agent420: Ashley Simpson, not that she is an artist

Resol: Ashley Simpson can't even seem to sing her own songs, but then again neither did Eminem....

Young Pimp: Michael Jackson sucks cock. Little elementary school white cock. He always has, and he always will. Though he didn’t do too much new things this year, he is still the worst artist of this year. Fuck, the worst artist of the Millennium. Hell, he’s the worst artist ever.

Masked Man: Ashley Simpson.

Bucko: I hate to jump on the bandwagon that is probably going to form on this opinion, but really, anyone who can’t even lip sync correctly gets my vote. Ashley Simpson. Not only did she fuck up in unimaginable style on SNL, she was only there in the first place because her sister is very dumb and happened to sort of resemble Britney Spears when she was popular. So, if you break it all down, if Britney had never had nice tits, she wouldn’t have had a career. And that would have been better all around, except that we’d be a pair of lovely tits short in the world.

Gillman: When I came up with this question I thought that we would be able to see the full gambit run here, Painters, Sculptors, an Architect, maybe one music artist or something like that. I guess that for the crew around here the worst thing that you can do is insult their ears. Ashley Simpson seems to have won. Just to be different, I am going to cast my vote at Brian Herbert, the bastard who is single handedly destroying Frank Herbert’s masterpieces.

Elise: William Hung. Ditch the singing lessons, there, my little Asian friend. They do NOT help you. They make you worse.

Best new snack food:

Booth: N/A. My only snacks are popcorn, beef jerky, and kettle cooked potato chips. I don’t like to go outside of that for something that could potentially taste like total shit.

Resol: pie isn't all that new, but nothing will ever beat pie damn it!

Young Pimp: I love pizza… pizza rules for when you’re getting drunk… and having sex… and getting drunk and having sex at the same time. The funny thing is, it IS only a snack food to me now, who has pizza for a meal anymore? I haven’t had it for dinner or for lunch since I was like 14. Now it’s just the best snack food ever possible. I make it at like 3 in the morning when I’m hammered, and then when I sober up I’m like “Fucking awesome, someone made pizza!”

Masked Man: New snack food? Geez, I don’t know… chocolate?

Bucko: I was previously unaware of the onward march in snack food technology. However, in looking over some of the candidates, I’m going to have to give the award to Cola Turka, which I suppose is a junk drink. Not only does it have Chevy Chase’s endorsement in embarrassing Turkish commercials, much akin to Bill Murray in Lost in Translation, if you learn the theme song (in Turkish) you can annoy the shit out of everyone you know. It’s an amazing thing to have a Turkish-Language song stuck in your head. It makes you want to get all oiled up and wrestle a big mustachioed guy.

Gillman: Love Tom Yum Kung, imported from Thailand, comes in two flavors Tum Yum Kung and, my personal favorite, Larb.

Elise: Gah. This one is hard. I don’t really eat a whole lot of snack food. I have new favorite toothpaste, though. Does that count?

Worst idea of the year:

Booth: “Hey, let’s make a movie where we put Halley Berry in a shitty costume with a ridiculous looking mask with mouse ears, and call her Catwoman, though it’ll have nothing to do with the Batman movies or DC comics in general. How can we go wrong with that?”

Agent420: Pitching to David Ortiz

Resol: War...in Iraq... again?

Young Pimp: The draft. I have to say the fucking draft is by far the worst fucking idea of this year, only first to the second worst idea, the war in Iraq. Luckily, the worst idea never came into effect, and let’s hopes it never does.

Masked Man: Seemingly, Democracy. Seems like we need to send a letter of apology to England and ask to be taken back?

Bucko: Son of the Mask. This has already been covered by Maddox in his Garfield article, but it seems that the formula for box office poison has been found, and some Mad Scientist decided to create it anyway, in the name of science. (Horribly-designed CGI main character)*(BABY)+(10 year old license)-(Jim Carrey)/$8.50 for a damned movie ticket = Go fuck yourself.

Gillman: Thinking I had found happiness.

Elise: Wardrobe malfunction? You are seriously going to say that was a wardrobe malfunction? Was Tara Reid a wardrobe malfunction, too? Nice implant scars, there, Tara.

What would have made this year better:

Booth: If William Hung got hit by an SUV at a high speed, spreading his limbs and entrails all over the road.

Agent420: If the majority of the voting public in this country did not confuse the concept of “morals” with the truth of actions.

Resol: More Democrats getting elected...fucking republicans will ruin us

Young Pimp: If I didn’t have problems the stress of getting everything done so fast. And of course taking away the stupid fights with Kaycee.

Masked Man: More new snack foods. Resol getting me a nuclear sub for my birthday.

Bucko: A reality show in which Donald Trump and Flava Flav killed each other with chainsaws in the Thunderdome. Hosted by Tina Turner.

Gillman: Starting over fresh. If there was a time machine that was ever built, and you could black out entire years with a big read button, and force everyone to go back and do it again, like some kind of child who needs to be beaten more by their parents, and keep doing it until they get it right. That is what ’04 needed, a kick in the ass and a point in the right direction. Oh! Look at the big news of the year! Brittany Spears got married, for a couple of hours! So fucking what. Try harder next time.

Elise: I think pretty much anything would have made this year better.

Overall impression of the year:

Booth: 2004 was a pretty good year, provided, of course, that you were either drunk off your ass the whole time. Or Republican.

Agent420: Personally, this was probably one of the, if not the, best year of my life. For the rest of the world, wow, well, it seems that most of us are still alive and un-incarcerated, but not necessarily for all that much longer

Resol: People are gaining stupidity in record amounts...I mean there are more stupid mother fuckers this year than ever before...

Young Pimp: Overall it was a pretty damn good year; I’ve been with my girlfriend all through the whole year… which is definitely something awesome.

Masked Man: Mild to Fair: didn’t suck too much, but could have been much better.

Gillman: Fucking terrible. ’05 has a little more then half a year left before I just start going into my evil plans and making sure that there is no ’06 for anything.

Elise: for me to poop on

Closing comments:

Booth: At last it’s 2005, the release year of Episode III. Mr. Lucas, I swear to God that this one better be at least half decent a film, or else I’m gonna hunt you down, cut off your balls and shove them so far down your bloated throat, that you’ll have to eat by shoving food up your ass. Have a nice day.

Agent420: People suck

Young Pimp: My New Years resolution is the just have a good fucking year. Worry less, have great times with my girlfriend, and really enjoy life. If that can happen, I will have a great fucking year!

Masked Man: People need to realize something fanaticism (a) doesn’t work to accomplish anything and (b) is not limited to one side. Yeah, I’m talking to you Michael Moore and Jerry Falwell. Both of you like tearing down facets society you don’t like, but neither of you say how to fix it. Both of you need to shut the fuck up and get a clue. You serve no purpose beyond annoying the world.

Gillman: For some reason Varms.Net has gotten more hits in the last couple of months then it ever has… well… ever… I am just hoping that one day it will be enough that I don’t really have to get a job, and I can provide entertainment for you people, full time. That is why I go through all the trouble of whoring out this site, so you people don’t have to. So please, donate to the site when you feel that you can, want to, or whenever. Because I am fucking broke and I need to pay for shit.

Elise: I would like to point out how awesome the cinema for this year was. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Napoleon Dynamite, Garden State, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Dag these movies are frigging awesome.