2/7/05 10:19 PM
Gillman: As needed before you start this kind of thing is saying something along the lines of "All the rights belong to the people who made them." You know, that kind of thing. I covered my bases, lets start making fun of them.
So, Bucko and I got drunk last weekend and decided to review Super Bowl commercials. So, I set up my computer to grab all the important gems that were sure to fall our way, then went out drinking while I ignored my computer, when I came back I had all this bullshit saved on my hard drive, with nothing edited. Needless to say I started this project about ten hours ago, and am just now starting to write the fucking thing out for all of you. Here is what I have to say, along with interjections, and further thoughts by Bucko.
Bucko:
The Super Bowl. The day the terrorists should attack, but never do.
No one is on the roads, no one is defending the countryside, the snipers on
the White House roof are slacking off, hoping in vein that Paul McCartney will
show one of his nipples at the night's Half-Time Show. Everyone is watching
a bunch of roid fiends pound the shit out of each other in a symbolic territory
dispute. Everyone except Gillman and I. Instead we got mildly drunk at a house
with no cable. Gillman used the magics of his All-In-Wonder card to TiVo all
the ads for us to review. Almost 150 of the bastards.
So we each abused out X-Box live accounts, signed into Halo2 with no intention
of playing, and used our headsets as free VoIP phones while we watched the good
part of the Super Bowl.: the part that isn't the Super Bowl.
We labored and toiled, and we have some comments, ridicule, and award statuettes
to spread around to a select few [dozen] of these filmic tributes to commercialism
and sublimated violence.
Bucko: The Bikers, while able to put people that wear sweater vests and drive [Ford] Tauruses into catatonic we-shouldn't-be-in-this-neighborhood-lock-your-doors-kids-the-darkies-will-steal-you rigidity, are unable to contend with a chuck-wagon circle of over-priced recall magnets, also known as the F-150. Ho-hum.
An otherwise boring commercial is saved, unintentionally,
by an appearance by the 2002
World Freestyle Moustache Champion Phil "The Walrus" Sacomentos.
Let it flow, brother, let it flow.
Gillman: Triple X two, or XXX 2, whatever the fuck you want to call it looks terrible. I guess that Vin Diesel was to happy getting ready to make The Pacifier. If you didn't know that either one of these movies are coming out, you must be one of the few Americans that value their sanity. The first Triple X was terrible, but then again, no one expected it to be good. Also, nothing screams "Good Actor" like "Former rapper" in my mind. What was his "X-treme crime" that put him in jail anyway?
Bucko: XXX2 is terrible. That's not even up for debate. If you think it has a chance of being good, then I hate you and you should burn in Hell. That said, two things come to mind:
1.Samuel L. Jackson is absolutely, under any circumstances, unable to turn down
any role he is offered. If I had his address, I could send him the script for
"Varms: Year 1: Mashed Potato Sculpture Dreams" wherein he would play
a fiddler crab named Maria who must learn about the tremendous power of love
and melted butter with lemon and he would sign on and Spam the talk shows with
how he's doing it because he believes in indie films.
I mean, yeah, he's cool. But how many movies is he in where he doesn't outshine
the entire rest of the production?
2.)It would appear, for the first few minutes of the ad-movie, that Vin Diesel made a correct decision, as he did with "Fast and Furious 2: Honeymoon in San Juan." Then you see his face pop up on "The Pacifier." I suppose he thought that Ice Cube was outshining him in his amazing diversity, and Vin signed up to drive kids around and get bit in the nipple by a talking duck too. If everyone jumped off a cliff, Vin, would you?
That said, when he makes that badass Blues-Brothers parking run with the SUV, and the kids fall out on their heads and die of massive hemorrhaging, all I could think was, "Why do they always have to show the best parts of the movie in the trailer?" Fucking kids.
Bucko: This commercial wins several Varms.awards. "First, Longest Commercial." Second, "Most Repeated Commercial," with special mention for being shown twice in a row. And third, the very rare triple-crown, "Longest, Most Repeated Commercial." But, how can you not love that car?
On a side note, I have had the
top down on my Mustang convertible in November, and had to stop and put the
roof back on because it was snowing inside the car. If you leave the heater
on, it's really not that big a deal. That frozen guy is a total pussy.
Gillman: Diet Pepsi and Xzbit show us how to pimp out our rides. I would love to sit here and tell you that this is amazingly funny, but I can already tell that this is going to be the number one most over played Commercial of the Post-Super Bowl world. They were even kind enough to give us a little glimpse of what is to come later in the Bowl when they had a shortened version of this ad. Guess what, only novel with the full thing.
Bucko: This commercial is not at all realistic. P. Diddy would never ever drink Diet Pepsi because it does not come in $600 leaded crystal bottles. Also, if you shake and pop the top on a Diet Pepsi, and then spray it on some ho's tits, she'll hit you. When you do it with Crystal, she will lick her nipples.
Also, Carson Dally is a massive
tool.
Gillman: This Commercial is awesome, and it comes in two flavors, which is also cool. The only let down of this is the touchscreen that they show at the beginning. I don't care who you are, your fingers are oily. You end up having to clean that shit all the time or it looks like you use it as a fucking cum rag. Oh, if you watch this Commercial more then once, it becomes very clear just how they fucked with the video. Go Pats!
Gillman: Vin Diesel... Driving a mini van... Hanging out with children... FIGHTING A DUCK!!! The Pacifier. Thank God for Disney.
Gillman: I loved him in Smoky and the Bandit as well, giant talking, dancing, bear.
This commercial clearly wins the best of them all. Burt is clearly trying not to crack up the entire time that he is doing his bit in it. Not only is this a funny commercial, but it makes fun of every commercial that you watch for the rest of the Bowl. Later, when the talking bird comes out and defends a hot woman's honor, you clearly think back to what was said right her, with Burt. Also, when they point out that placing the products name is optional, you understand that shipping has nothing to do with groin kicks. Fucking women.
Bucko:
The best ad of the night, no question. A team of top scientists figured out
mathematically how to make the best commercial, they stuck to that magical formula,
and the result is undeniable nirvana in advertising. They even tell us they're
using a formula, starting a disturbing trend in superbowl commercials of breaking
the fourth wall. It doesn't matter. The formula is that good. One wonders, though,
what would happen in Europe, if the "Cute Kid" variable were swapped
out for variable X, where X = Boobs. The mind reels.
An Honorable Mention goes out to Bud Light, for using a talking cockatiel to
threaten customers at the bar, but not quite taking the formula to its limits.
Bucko: Cedric replaces his women with a grill and a dog. Which one is he going to fuck? Instead, he should have simply wished for two women with their tongues cut out.
Bucko: Another lackluster ad is saved by "celebrity" appearances. This time, Pepsi manages to bring someone in that even upstages Carson from Queer Eye. That person?
Why, that's Carol, from Growing Pains, sharing her laughter and love of diet beverages (ironic or apropos, since she was anorexic).
It's nice to see that her career went somewhere.
Gillman: I saw nipple last year, this year I get this shit. Congrats GoDaddy.com, you have won the worst Commercial award. I fucking hate you. You aren't funny, I don't see the woman dancing around enough, I don't see enough of her, nothing. This is terribly done. Also, your prices suck. Woo, 8.95 for a domain, if I sign up through you, with your shitty domain hosting. No thanks, I will stick with Doteasy.
Bucko: Yeah, I suppose that's a pretty good price for domain registration. However, the hatred chamber of my brain overflows now between that woman and the "Want a Viper? Want some money? Want my BAAAAHDy?" bitch. They are going to have a fight for dominance. I fear for my hypothalamus.
They also could have hired someone who wasn't a charter member of "Jerry's Kids" to draw their logo.
Bucko: These costumes were bought 6 minutes before the shoot at a K-Mart day-after-Halloween sale. When I went to Islands of Adventure, predominantly to ride the Hulk roller coaster 17 times consecutively, the superheroes in the parade that were fucking riding four-wheelers looked better than this. And who the fuck invited Thor?
On a personal note, I was gratified
to see Underdog. I went as Underdog for Halloween one year. It didn't occur
to me for years later that he was a coke addict, opening his secret ring to
take the pill whenever he needed a pick-me-up. I don't judge him. There are
very few super heroes devoted to stopping Milk-Bone theft. God Bless Underdog.
Gillman: Pepper Spray in the eyes... Tazer to the groin... General violence for no reason... Weird looking guy on a cell phone talking about something that could either make them us, or someone we know... THIS MUST BE A LOAN COMMERICAL. They had two random commercials, the other will be spoken about later, with the award they won.
Bucko: Ameriquest is in a tie with itself for my "Best Non-Kinko's Ad of the Night Award" for its submission of two fine, completely off-the-wall violent ads. And Ameriquest is a loan company, so much like Sam Waterston advertising Robot Insurance, the subject matter and the manner of presentation have a synergistic dissonance, catapulting the result into the realm of perfection. Like marangue.
The first ad seemed to take place in the same convenience store as "Clerks," but the second ad, I fear, didn't go far enough. If a cat gets on your counter where you're cooking, ever the only way to train it properly is to gut it with a steak knife. This ad pulled its punches. But, the last time I saw an ad with even implied cat violence, I was having a wet-dream, so I'll let this one go, with my mind open to progress in small steps.
Bucko: This is incredibly random, and a picture would speak for itself, however, this commercial is the second of the night to break the fourth wall, and this pattern disturbs me. I don't want next year's SuperBowl ads to be all, "Hi. This is an ad designed to make you laugh. Laugh now." That's not clever. But, you know, still funny.
Bucko:
I was a big supporter of the Donkey from his introduction. I love rooting for
the little guy, and If one of those arrogant Clydesdales is so hung up in his
hubris as to lose his spot on the team to the Donkey, then I'm glad he's replaced.
He had a bad attitude. There is no I in Clydesdale Team.
However, the introduction of every animal that stumbled off Noah's Gamblin'
Queen Riverboat with too much drink in their belly and too little cash in their
wallet were to join the team, I think it would have much the same effect as
the same phenomenon has had on carousels.
Carousels are supposed to be made of horses. Horses that move up and down. But have you noticed recently how hard it is to find a horse that goes up and down on a carousel? It's all filled with dragons, and lions, and rabbits, and fuckin' seahorses, and manta rays, and , in one extreme example, black flies, and lazy giraffes that don't even bother with the up and down part, and the worst of all, the goddamned sleigh that just sits there, not even looking cool. The kids that sit in that sleigh are babies and kids with taped glasses and inhalers, whose parents lead them around the amusement park an those glorified leashes that parents with kids with taped glasses and inhalers put their kids on. And the babies cry. Which is the only noise worse than simulated calliope.
In summary: Yay! Donkey! Boo!
Sleigh!
Gillman: There is no reason that MC Hammer should look that good. Also, I would have suspected that he stole the Impala, and was sleeping in it all along. A good attempt by Lays to make me think that they knew how to be funny. I bet they just got this off of an old episode of the Simpsons while doing acid, or drinking Canadian beer. God knows that is where all my ideas come from.
Bucko: Yeah, yeah, great ad, doesn't need analysis. But, am I the only one that winced when that '72 Impala landed on its side and dented the door? I mean, if the old bitch is going to return things, she could at least return them nicely. It's not like the kids stomped all over the lays before they threw them over. Even so, did you see MC Hammer eyeing that car? He'd be lucky to live in a car that size. With Jewel as a roommate.
Gillman: I thought that this Commercial was kind of lame. But Bucko used the word, "Buggering" to refer to what those two people were probably doing anyway. So, subway, you get a mention with your roasted subs.
Bucko: Subway finally caught on that something called fire that was mastered by humans millennia ago, can be used to improve food.
Watching this ad, I thought to myself, "what are the odds that those guys were actually buggering in that car, and were just using Subway's delicious new starch concoctions as a cover for their forbidden passion?" There's something wrong with me.
Bucko: AGGGGGGHHH! There's shitty music in my Pepsi! They could have used that space for flavor or carbonation.
In Wall Street news, Coca-Cola is up 150 points.
Bucko: Nothing really funny about this one. Batman is awesome, and I got to see Scarecrow's face.
Unfortunately, Batman seems not to be overly environmentally conscious. His new Batmobile is the Hummer of Batmobiles, getting 12 gallons per mile with a big sticker on it that says, "My soccer kid is also an honor student who voted for Bush." At least the old batmobile was run entirely on ethanol.
Bucko: This ad gets the "She-Male Award." It's incredibly awesome looking, so you let yourself be seduced by its piratey goodness. "Explosions! Sword fights! AWESOME! Jeff... Gordon!?" Then you get it to bed and find that it has a giant penis. I had to shower until my skin bled.
Bucko:
I was getting sick of 24 ads, with their constant use of the "word"
"nukular," and this one came along and got worse. It breaks the fourth
wall for the third time this SuperBowl by saying it cost 2.4 million dollars
to air the commercial. Only problem with that is that no it didn't. 24 is a
Fox show. The ad was free. Douchebags.
Gillman: I was going to edit in spit, and the words "Baby Killer" but it is getting late and I am tired. Please put that in for yourself while I make some social commentary. Isn't it great that people who came back from Vietnam were spit on and people tried to kill them for being douches? People coming back from the Gulf and what have you get a standing ovation? Yeah, now add in that I hate the President, and his thus far, oral receiving less term in office.
Bucko: Right wing cock-sucking sycophantism. Why "thanks?" I mean, I feel for those people over there, that sucks, and I'd do anything to help you guys be more comfortable and stay alive, but don't be mislead into thinking that you're doing any good. What a bunch of shit.
At least we know they were entertained
over there by the comedic styling's of The Blue Man Group, who i guess weren't
allowed to wear their makeup.
Gillman: AmeriQuest, do you know your commercials make no sense? You don't? Oh, well, um, they have nothing to do with taking out a loan. You get the most random award. They are all funny as well, but they really have nothing to do with your product placement. Please be glad that Burt went through all the trouble of explaining Super Bowl commercials to us earlier.
Gillman: Every year you get one commercial that does some really nifty effect that makes all the other special, wiz-bang effects look terrible. This was the one. I think it was a Honda hi-bred or something. I can't really be bothered to answer any kind of question to what it is, though, because it is getting late, and I have worked on compiling this rant forever. Just download the movie I made and say "Gillman is right!"
Bucko: This wins the "Nifty Effect Award" for its ability to do what Michael Jackson does, but with 50% less molestation. This makes the Toyota Prius the efficiency leader in both fuel consumption and child endangerment. And you never have to plug it in. Kudos to you, Prius.
Gillman: MasterCard put Count Chocula in their ad, along with every other icon and product placement from my childhood. This wins the forever second place award, for ruling, but not as much as FedEx and Burt. Next.
Bucko: This is the best thing that was
never on Saturday Morning cartoons. All my favorite mascots are together, having
fun, behaving themselves (though Count Chocula looks like he'd rather have the
blood than the tuna casserole, and Charlie the Tuna is a fucking Cannibal,
and who the fuck invited the Gorton's Fisherman? Not only is he the natural
enemy of Charlie the Tuna, he's not even animated.
For doing for Ad Mascots what Kevin Smith couldn't do for DC Superheroes in
the Death of Superman movie, this commercial pulls into a three-way tie for
second with Ameriquest for the "Best Non-Kinko's Ad of the Night Award."
Gillman: Emeralds Nuts or something like that. Pretty fucking funny commercial, if you take out the fact that Santa looks like he is going to kill me instead of bringing me joy and presents. The easter bunny is pretty fucking scary as well, bringing up animatronic nightmares of my youth. Santa still looks like he is ready to jingle all the way, to my death.
Bucko: I hate the motherfucking bobble head ads. Kurt Schillings head is now stitched on just like his foot, I guess. The only reason this gets a mention is because it contains the most hilarious sound clip of the night, winning "The most Hilarious Sound Clip of the Night Award".
Gillman: Check out the entire movie files and more fun:
Hour Long Movie of all the Commercials
The Others that My computer wouldn't allow with the "Good" Ones