11:54 PM
The Top Problems with
Video Games.
Video games continue to grow in popularity, which unfortunately
means that so called “popular” people are playing them, and even
worse, reviewing them. Now the industry is breaking it’s back to try
and please everyone… but these days, no one has a single fucking clue
as to what they want. One day someone bitches about something they hate in
a game, then when they finally get their wish, they bitch about how they want
everything “old school”. Here are some great examples of petty
gripes in the modern game industry, as well as a few of my own personal complaints
with how things are going… and I’ll be eagerly awaiting your hate
mail…
1) Cut scenes suck!-
Back in the day, games watched in awe as the characters
we loved had their stories told in cinematic fashion. Now everyone acts like
their “too cool” to enjoy a good story with their game. To make
matters worse, most games allow you to skip cut scenes anyway, which should
eliminate any complaints to begin with! You people wont be happy until games
go back to the old days where you spend tons of hours into a game to beat
it, only to be rewarded with an ending that says “the end”, and
nothing else.
2) That was too long!-
Yup- everybody wants to spend $50 on a game that you can slaughter in 3-5
hours. If you morons have so much cash, how about you spend it on a sports
car to drive yourself into a wall with?
3) I’m a “cool” gamer-
10 years ago you were an honor-roll student that hid in your parent’s
basement watching Dragon Ball Z, role-playing star wars fan-fiction and dreaming
about a hot and heavy night out with Tifa from Final Fantasy 7. Now you’re
anorexic, you dyed your hair, you dress like a grunge-rockstar, and you’re
a host on G4 TV, picking on the very same people you were once akin to. Fuck
you poser! Go listen to that 50-cent CD you play to impress your friends and
O/D on cocaine since you’re so fucking badass…
4) RPG’s are for dorks!-
Say, don’t you morons have another Madden game to play? Over opinionated
idiots like you will ensure the games of the future consist of nothing but
redneck thrillers and sports games that are half-assed updates of last-years
version. I’m sorry if I wanna play something besides “wrastlin”,
“shootin”, and “crashin”.
5) You mean GTA 3 wasn’t meant for my 5-year old?-
American parents are dumber than ever. Unable to be responsible, loving parents,
today’s Ma’ ‘n’ Pa are too busy doing drugs and having
affairs to keep up with their kids. The solution- allowing TV, the internet,
a failing school system, and of course, video games to teach them how to live.
(Or at least shut them up when you’re trying to bang the pool guy!)
Oh, and did I mention parents in America are illiterate? Yup- it seems no
one has figured out those ESRB logos all over the damn box say what the game
is rated. “This game is rated ‘M’” That must mean
“More fun for little kids!” Here you go Billy, have fun and don’t
disturb mommy while she’s guzzling vodka and cheating on your dad.”
Man, they gotta give people some kind of test for common
sense before they have kids…
6) I wanna play multiplayer! No, not with another person – with the internet!
Did everyone forget these consoles can use TWO or more controllers?! As everyone
cries about games without online play, I can’t find more then 10 games
worth playing with just TWO people. I guess gamers can’t have friends
around town anymore. Or maybe it’s cooler to play when your name is
“jediman_2323” or “halomaster_|_337” instead of “Jim”.
7) Oh my God! Nintendogs is awesome!
Whoa! Don’t stop stroking that touchscreen! Hey- guess what? Over a
thousand years ago they game out with living, breathing, live dogs! This bullshit
is gonna be Pokemon all over again… but at least they had to THINK UP
AN ORIGINAL ANIMAL! You people are fools. Good thing Nintendo came around
to take money away from you before you buy things like power tools and lottery
tickets.
8) This game sucks! 3 out of 5… This game rocks! 3 out of 5…. –
Ah X-Play…. I could go on for about 9 hours or so about why Adam Sessler
needs to be launched into deep space without food… or air…. But
I digress- what’s with the whack numerical ratings on this show? Does
EB have these guys by the balls so bad that any form of non-neutral review
results in their families getting killed?
9) OOOOOHHHH….. Splinter Cell…
Yeah, I like the one that didn’t suck… oh, sorry, that game was
called Metal Gear. And you know something? If Hideo Kojima is a whack story
writer, then Tom Clancy’s got the talent of a fish with a box of crayons
and a pile of bad conspiracy theory books to plagiarize.
10) Final Fantasy… are you… okay?-
Squaresoft has been screwing the pooch these days. FFX-2 was atrocity –
there, I said it! I’ve been an RPG fan for years, and I love anime too…
that doesn’t mean I want a sequel to FFX with idol singers and pretty-girl
transformations every two seconds. You fanboy extremists fuck up everything
you touch. To make matters even worse, square just can’t do anything
right. Square snaps up Enix, only to hand us a sequel to Star Ocean with boring
dungeons, lame cutscenes, and a story ripped off from Xenosaga episode 1,
and the Matrix, and they even found a way to make a ripoff of that caliber
boring! What the hell is this? FF12 better rock, or you guys are gonna end
up like Monolith Soft… speaking of Monolith…
11) Xenosaga Episode 2 (AKA, what the fuck went so very wrong?) –
I LOVED Xenosaga Episode 1… only to find the second installment sucks
more than a whore in a room full of sailors. Listen up Monolith Soft…
Episode 3 had better be fun, interesting, and last more than 20 hours…
or I’ll jump ship and wash my hands of the series altogether.
12) Everyone hates sequels…
You ungrateful bastards! How many totally awesome games would we be screwed
out of if you assholes got your way? Sure some sequels are just plain awful,
(Devil may cry 2, Xenosaga episode 2, almost all megaman games past #4, etc.)
but some of our greatest games are sequels. Since the days of super Mario
bros., great sequels have revolutionized the industry. I hope you slobs get
exactly what you want… no more Mario, no more Zelda, no more GTA, no
more Ratchet and Clank, nothing. All the greatest games in history will be
history… and when all you idiots are bored and angry because there are
no new games, I hope you all choose to kill each other for something to do.
Well, there you have it… this only scratches the surface of things that
annoy me, but I have to stop here before I’m labeled as a terrorist
by the ignorant masses of the game industry. I guess the point I’m trying
to get at is that as gamers, we need to be thankful for what good things we
have and stop making game producers run like chickens with their heads cut
off to satisfy everyone. I’m not saying we need to accept bad games,
but all these hypocritical opinions and double standards in game reviews and
editorials have got to stop.