11:59 PM
5 things you Absolutely NEED, right fucking now.
I was browsing around Think
Geek, because that's normally fun to do, I was bored, and it's been a
while since I've drooled excessively. What I found when I got there, to my
suprize/horror, was a catalog of esoteric wrist-watches, many of which are
apparently too good tell the time. What I also found was rant fodder, so I
decided to compile a list of things you ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NEED.
In no particular order:
#1: The 'Retro Phone' Handset:
I don't know about all of you, but I've got a big fucking head. I've seen
the Great Pumpkin bow it's gourd as I approach in reverence of my massive
melon. Unfortunately, this also means that itty-bitty little cellular telephones
just don't quite span the gap between mouth- and ear-hole. No longer will
I suffer, and all may enjoy my extraordinary voice as it spews forth from
my cranium-maximus. Also, I guess I didn't like the convenience of a wireless
phone, and have the great urge to defeat that purpose completely, an urge
I'm certain you will all share.
#2: This utterly useless clock:
Ever since the advent of digital clocks, with their simplistic readouts
featuring easily recognizable numbers, usually in the right order, just
handing you the fucking time, I've wanted more. I can't live without staring
at my analog wall clock for 5 minutes to try and guess what the time was
5 minutes ago. My brain craves the utter confusion abound when analog clocks
don't have any ticks or numbers written on their faces at all. I want a
clock that makes me go, "Holy shit, I have no fucking idea what time it
is." This is that clock.
#3: The Swiss Champ XLT:
With a name that brings total shame to even the largest
of 'Limited Edition' SUVs, the Swiss CHAMP XLT
is all you'll ever need to make breakfast while soldering your two-way-radio
at the top of Everest, simultaneously performing CPR and giving an EEG to
your climbing partner from 4000 meters away. It will also tie your shoes,
act as an emergency go-go-gadget helicopter, and strike down your mortal
enemies with the mere inkling of a thought. Also, and ths is the great part,
it fucking opens beer bottles.
#4: Creative Zen Touch Jukebox:
Ok, this one is actually cool. I've got a Nomad Zen 30 gig mp3 player, and
I fucking adore it. You should buy this one just because it's not a fucking
trendy IPod.
And last but definitely not least:
#5: Midas Remote Control Watch:
Ok, fucking drool. Think-Geek did it's job for me today. I'll just quote
them on it:
"Okay,
just how cool is a watch with a built-in universal remote control? Well...pretty
darn cool we think. Imagine the possibilities - you'll never lose your remote
again; you can go to your neighborhood sports bar and take control of those
big screen TVs; when visiting a friends house you can watch what you want
to watch. Put the power that comes with having the remote right on your
wrist!"
And it's a fucking analog watch. What more could I want? It's been about
7 years since I last remember wearing a wrist watch, and I might just have
to buy this bastard. Finally I can watch cartoons at the bar!