I think I have a solution for the Presidential problem. That would be the problem where the voting populace of America see people like John Kerry, The Dubya, and Ralph Nader, and think to themselves: Who in the hell are we supposed to vote for in November? Oh yeah, and: Why are the Three Stooges running for President?
I don’t know, maybe it’s because these candidates have access to more money than Yahweh. That’s God, to you religious types out there. Fortunately, as I have stated before, I have the solution to our little political mess, and it’s awesome with a capital A.
Hell yes I’m talking about Dick Vitale running for President! Who did you think I was talking about, Shemp, a.k.a. The Fourth Stooge?
No way. I’m talking about Dickie V, baby, in the White House, flanked by his cabinet of ex-college basketball coaches turned ESPN commentators. Don’t you think someone like Jay Bilas (law degree from Duke) would make a great attorney general? How about Digger Phelps as Secretary Of Defense? Bill Raftery as National Security Advisor? If you thought Condoleezza Rice had the onions to face the 9-11 commission, then Bill would have those suit-and-tie political junkies doing lay-up drills!
Yeah OK, so this is a hare-brained idea from the mind of what some would say is a certified lunatic, but it is an idea that definite possibilities. Look at the state of American politics now. You want to talk about dying for attention? That’s American politics, kids. No one likes it. It’s boring. It’s like watching your grandparents’ play bridge with the neighbors, just add about a bazillion dollars for every minute the game is being played. Far more people in this country care about things like that idiotic American Idol show and others of its’ ilk.
Politics has even had to fight for exposure on the place where you would think it would rule the roost, the evening news. Yeah, so the lead story, in most cases, is usually about Iraqi “insurgents” bombing the mortal shit out of anything that gets in their way, U.S. soldiers included. This lasts from about 30 seconds to two minutes, then the rest of the program is chock full of riveting stories about things like The War On Obesity and crazed insects burrowing out of the ground to take over the eastern part of the United States. Shaming the fat out of fat people gets ratings. What George Tenet may or may not have suggested to George W. Bush in re: 9-11 does not.
Which is sad, but that’s the reality we have to deal with. What politics in America today is missing is basic entertainment value. Now I ask you, what could be more entertaining than the loudmouth of the courtside microphone himself, Dick Vitale? Every State of The Union address would be like Friday night at the sports bar, with free beer and chicken wings. In fact, I’m pretty sure a Vitale administration would give the masses heaping piles of chicken wings and a free one-year subscription of DirecTV’s NCAA basketball package. That’s all you would need, baby. House parties would be “off da chain” for the next four years.
Seriously, could you imagine Dick going the Bush-Cheney route with foreign policy? Instead of simply asking for more volunteers to be human target practice for the enemy, he would send out his prized staff to “recruit more diaper dandies!” And the next country we decide to bomb the ever-loving shit out of would be the “global trifecta.” The “experts” would more easily explain our military strategies on all the talk shows, because they would all resemble basketball formations (i.e. the “Four Corners” offense is when we invade a country from 4 different directions at one time, kind of like when Grant and Sherman tore ass through the South during the Civil War, BABY!). We could even institute a national “warning” system just in case the “terra” decides to rear its’ ugly head within our borders. Forget about level “orange”; instead we will be at terror alert level “HORRRRIBLE!” thanks to Bill Walton. Not only would there be March Madness in March, but also in November every four years.
Elections, baby! November 2nd! Don’t be left out! It’ll be terrific! It’ll be scintillating! Amazing! And as President, I promise always to talk as if I’m yelling at old people hard of hearing! Because it’s so exciting! Don’t miss it!
Watch out for Poland!