4/4/03 3:31 PM
You know, for a shitty movie it says it all.
Look, all I am going to say is this, "I am getting fucking sick and tired of all these dumb asses thinking that just because a loved one has returned from the grave that they are ok to socialize with. THEY ARE FUCKING ZOMBIES YOU DUMB CUNT" There. Now I bring you our service announcement.
I know that it is hard losing a loved one, i've been there, we all have. But you should know that bring them back from the dead can only lead in much carnage. At first you might think that Billy is only play with your neighborhood children, that those screams are something that you could dismiss as "rough housing" that it is just your imagination that he is "eating that kids arm". Look, that gypsy just raped you up the ass and taught you a very important lesson. THE LIVING DEAD AREN'T YOUR FRIENDS.
You might feel the urge to run outside, to stop Billy from doing that to other children, that your stern words are going to be enough to stop him from eating your friends and family. But that isn't going to work this time. No, you are going to need to use extreme measures to take care of this problem.
1. Disable the brain. Taking out the brain will cause the action of the body to cease. This is one of the few organs that still functions. You need to fucking take this out, the rest will soon follow. The best way to do this is with a high powered rifle or chainsaw. It maybe messy, but it has to be done. Don't worry about the Billy, he really can't feel this. If he was alive he would be coaching you through these actions.
2. Burn the body. Always in a well ventilated area. (Fumes may cause you to turn into a zombie) Make sure the all of the body is destroyed. Even though the corpse may in fact look tasty, you need to fight the urges to "chow down" or eat it. This will only result in you turning into a zombie later.
3. Find the person who did this. The Gypsy might be long gone, but you can find her and track her. Remember were the latest Carnival or Fair is being held, 9 out of 10 times you have struck gold. These are a traveling folk that make their wages selling others destruction and cheap, low quality goods. Don't worry about killing them, most states have now passed laws that enable you to take out these "ZOMBIE PEDDLERS" (As they are often called).
If you need any more help or tips, please do not hesitate to call 1-888-ZOMBIE. They are open 24 hours a day to help you in your time of need. (WARNING: 1-800-ZOMBIE is phone sex, they cannot help you.)