11/4/05 6:31 PM
"Wil Wheaton Can Suck It"
I know that it has been awhile since I have made the effort to trash Wil Wheaton
on the page. I hope that you all understand that he is always on my thoughts
in my private life (I do still send him the daily, "Just thought I would
tell you I loathe you" letters. This weeks were all written in fecal
matter). I have always been known to yell out in random conversations "Wheaton
is the Devil Himself!" and continue on until someone agrees with me and
promises not to call the police. But that isn't always forum enough.
It isn't like enough hasn't happened where I can openly curse him for just being around. G4 has decided that he needs to be in every single fucking episode that they show. Normally referred to as "Weasley Heavy Episodes" I normally just refer to them as "Steaming Piles of Shit" and then throw a beer can at the T.V. in hopes that he will either die or the channel will change, rarely does either happen.
I hear that he is now on something insane like his 12th book. I don't really see that as an achievement seeing as how he logs everything that has ever happened to him in his blog. I haven't read them but I am pretty sure most of them are along the lines of "Unbelievable savings at PetCo!" and "Had to poo badly today!"
Honestly what brought this article on tonight is two fold. Mainly I wanted to bitch that he can't seem to update his page without bringing down the entire fucking site for several weeks. Most people, (me) just say that we are going to update the site and pretend that we are doing something "behind the scenes" and really do nothing to the entire site for months at a time, then randomly update the entire thing within a couple hours. All I can really say is that he forgot one thing from the front page:
I was going to find you all an animated one, but it seems that those are harder to come by in this day and age, mainly because no one fucking puts their page "Under Construction" anymore.
What I did find rather interesting is that he has possibly the worst image of anyone ever on any webpage:
Ok, I am just going to start listing why he is a fucksaw.
1. If you are going to go for the Mr. Rogers look with the red sweater and tie, the tie goes inside of the sweater not outside. I am pretty sure that Mr. Rogers is going to rise from the grave and feast on your flesh for making the very thought of him look bad. This makes me feel sad because that would mean that zombies finally came around, but only because you angered the dead. Then again it does give me legal grounds to shoot you in the head.
2. I know that you are forcing the smile because you have never been happy a day in your life, but I really don't understand why the hell you had to drag a puppet into this. Honestly, only two people carry around those things, people who found it in the trash and thought it would be funny to freak out young children and cause endless nightmares, and people who are really, really fucking creepy and you keep away from because you're pretty sure that they have a hat box full of minced torso.
3. When you are buying a puppet stay away from the ones that are the same size, weight, and height as you.
4. I stole this image from your site and it was entitled "Wil's Junior High Talent Show". I just want you to know that every time that some kid thinks that his talent involves a puppet they are laughed off stage. Did you really think that walking around with your hand up a doll's ass was talent?
I kind of wonder if you went from "creepy" into "loser" as you got older. But then again I kind of want to blame your parents for not slapping you in the face and making you play baseball that summer.
Well, it had been awhile since I railed on him for no good reason. Maybe I should do this weekly. Nah, I am pretty sure that no one wants that.