11/4/05 6:31 PM
"Worst. Game. Ever."
The year was 1992 and one of the most original video games of its time had
come out, ToeJam and Earl. The world was shocked by the 3/4 overhead perspective,
the uniquely boringish gameplay, and the idea that most humans lacked "funk".
(Whose spelling was later changed to "phunk" to distinguish between
people with "grove" and a dungeon master who hasn't seen a vegetable
in well over a decade.)
To say that ToeJam and Earl changed my life would be an overstatement. To say that I remember this game solely because of the first level of the game, which was then followed by some of the most random stages of all time, would be strangely accurate.
Earl signed on for thought of being loved again
When I ordered ToeJam and Earl III: Mission to Earth from gamefly I knew that it was going to be terrible. Starting out with an expectation of this game to rank firmly at a score of 0 I had little room for this game to disappoint. I hadn't played the second game, but I heard about it disappointing on every level. I don't understand why life feels the urge to surprise me at random intervals. I don't know why it feels like saying, "Hey Gillman, I am going make effort to have your life suck today," but it does. Oh does it.
(Being a good show-and-tell expert I have brought examples of my pain, but you will have to wait until the end of this ramble before you can check those out. If you have ever taken any advice from me, [and no sane person ever would] you will simply read this article, laugh at my plight, and then not watch the movies that are skillfully provided for you. I know that the urge to simply ignore what I am saying is creeping up on you, like a child molester stalks that chick from the Harry Potter movies, but please don't watch the movies. Back to the article.)
I think he might be confused about his own lack of mouth
I have never in my life turned off a video game while watching the intro movie. Normally that defies common logic, put your best foot forward or something like that. If on a first date a girl and she starts things off by spitting in your face it is kind of a clear sign that she was under the wrong impressions for the night and you should simply punch her in the cunt and go home. The same goes for a video game. If I can't make it through the intro my time is best spent watching reruns of M*A*S*H.
The game kind of holds it own until you get to the character selection screen (all ten seconds of it). Things promptly start going downhill from there. In some chain of reality the producers decided that they would not only let the most under qualified people they could find program a game they had no business making in the first place, but they instructed them to have all of the characters rap for a good thirty seconds, and then dance around like they are having some kind of weird seizure where they are trying to look cool and in control the entire time. Weird to say the least, not really offensive. I mean, maybe they are going to mock out white people for trying to be something they aren't, but they are using aliens to mask there contempt. This entire game might be social satire at this point. I honestly didn't feel like I was inclined to judge, or was too drunk.
The second I had selected my character it was like 8 Mile had thrown up inside of my X-Box. I can't really take you through it minute per minute, because I have a tolerance for painfully bad things. I do remember that ToeJam did enjoy being a black man trapped in a white boy who was an alien, that Earl was fat and lazy and not really worth mentioning, and Latisha gets a free pass because she wasn't part of my childhood and sounded easy.
What I do remember is the game implying several mix signals. Among them ToeJam and Earl being the saving grace of planet Funkatron nine years before in the second game, having then released several best selling albums, and mainly being full blown bad asses beforethis game started. While this game is in action they are equal to some kind of hotdog vendor who baths in his dog-water. Confusing? Yes. But not the worst of the games flaws.
I think everyone in this game is confused over how cool they are
My main question of the game is why the hell ToeJam has to touch where I am guessing Funatronines keep their wang every five seconds. I didn't need to see that and you didn't need to fucking program that into a game. Why the hell Leberman and Clinton didn't get pissed off at this is beyond me.
The movie goes on for seven torture filled minutes. Feel free to watch it if you want. I won't be doing that. Not at all.
Gameplay wise this game has been offensive since the Genesis era. Bottomless pits scatter the landscape, (Not so much obstacles as entire levels) you are forced to restart at the beginning of a level if you mess up a single jump. Infinite lives have been instrumented in the game, but little does that help when the first failure of a level has used up all the items you needed to get that far, no item respawns or anything like that. They might as well just give you one chance to beat the entire thing. In 1992 this kind of design might have been allowed, but this game came out in 2002. I guessed that they missed the lessons that Mario 64 taught us. No wonder I don't hear kids talking about ToeJam and Earl III around the sandbox. Maybe if they did Jack Thompson would have a new game to boycott, hell I would join him on this one.
I hate you too Latisha
I honestly would go into greater detail but I played this game once, got stuck on one of the "you fucked up and used the item incorrectly" stages and then gave up.
For your torture.