10/21/04 6:52 PM
Today we take a look at the Turtles first attempt at saving a life, or having a gang bang, or something like that. To tell you the truth I pretty much lost interest in this book the moment that I started to scan the images, so, instead of walking you through the plot and point out how horribly the artwork is, and how clearly Donatello is not the one with the sword, I will go ahead and tell you the more interesting plot that I have devised.
April O'Neil clearly has the most Irish last that you can acquire without also being in green and talking about your Lucky Charms all day long. Probably in an attempt to escape that she went with the "everyone's mom" hair style, becoming the first person who has ever died their hair to get away from it being red.
In case any of you where wondering, she is working for channel six news. The only reason that I know this off hand is because that was the channel that used to carry the Turtles when I was younger. It isn't like they would have plastered three sixes all over this picture, realized that was demonic, and then put in another six, below the the desk. What kind of desk? a NEWS desk, thank God they told us that. Also, wasn't kind of them to remind us that April is Irish by making it green?
I don't know about the rest of you, but April looks like she is one of those reporters from the Naked News. I swear that the desk is about to slide away and she is going to start undressing while telling me all about the mishaps in the world and hockey scores.
Just incase you where still wondering, April works at Channel six. The people who drew this must have thought that the children who had that bad fortune of read it had some form of super ADD, where as they could considerate, but lose focus on specific details, like, what channel April worked for. Almost every scene that she is in some kind of six in hidden in the picture. Try and look for it!
The armed guard doesn't seem to notice that the phone that he has aptly positioned is facing the wrong way, or that he is holding his pencil in the rarely used, out side of the hand technic. But, then again, it is clear that everyone in this picture has received some kind of sex from Ms. O'Neil. Hell, they have an award for it on the back wall. I don't know why I added that, it just seemed important.
This scene is just chalked full of confusion. Two asian men are throwing away old Apple IIe monitors into the news channel six dumpster, and April isn't having sex with them. Even the characters look confused on this fact.
I enjoy how the artist mixed in some political views in this as well. This is the first Asian/Irishman that has ever come about in the history of man. I agree with his views, though. I too think it is time that Japan and Ireland stop feuding over things that happened hundreds of years ago. It doesn't matter who makes the nastier tasting beer with more alcohol content in it, they both get you drunk while tasting like something I pulled out of the bottom of the hamster cage. I enjoy this artist's idea of the world, but I don't know if the world was ready for it back in 1990.
I wonder why this dumpster is so fucking high up though. I mean, it would make sense if it was that high up if it was a news van, but then why would it have a hatch that opens on the top, and not doors at the back? Hell, that would have even been easier to draw, maybe I should be an artist. I guess April is clearly propositioning these two men for sex, which is why they are confused. You see, April has this long history of just jumping anything that moves, and...
Seeing a TV move her whore reflexes spring into action.
"Woe ma'am. Those sharp pieces of glass will hurt you. Take it from me, I am a trained trash man."
"Thank you mysterious stranger. I will offer you sex as a reward."
O'Neil is clearly dazed at being taken away from fucking an object for the first time in her life. So much so that she has lost what defining female characteristics she once had. I guess that kind of shock can really fuck one up.
Other things to notice on this page: O'Neil has clearly taken the longest route to her car. The news channel six backdoor into the parking lot is right behind her. I guess that when you are the cities biggest whore that you take that kind of journey for a chance at another piece of ass. I salute you, and your efforts Ms. O'Neil.
Quickly, you will notice this is the image from the cover, just zoomed in to block out Raphael. Hell, the Turtles don't come out of the sewer until the next page. That just wouldn't make any kind of sense at all, now would it.
This scene is chalked full of confusion. Raphael clearly has to use the bathroom. Leo thinks it would be best if the all go through the wall. Donatello, clearly having been stabbed earlier by Leo agrees and is telling Michelangelo that he should be quite and not argue. Michelangelo just looks happy to have friends.
There are three things wrong in this picture. One, there is no six plastered on anything. One would think that they would plaster it through the night like some kind of bat signal, letting people know what kind of quality programming they offer. Speaking of programming, I don't really think that channel six ever offered anything besides news based programs. One would think they would at least carry the Turtles Cartoon. It was the early 90's after all. Two. This is the cleanest alley in New York City. I mean, we can all very clearly see that this artist lives in some fantasy world where city alleys aren't filled with garbage, and Donatello might use a sword. Three, the Turtles live in the sewers, Raphael could have just gone down there. I mean, no one would have noticed.
I was so moved I wrote a haiku.
O'Neil lost lens
Turtles attack with foot in
gangbanger's ass
I think that said enough. A magical trip to Japan indeed.
The police have clearly jumped in the first gobot that they could find and rushed down. What do they find when they get there? Weird shit. Everywhere. I guess that is why the Turtles have decided to ditch this scene. They have a point though, when the second wave of people start to show up for a gangbang, it is just time to make your graceful exit. Hell, if you look at the condition that the dumpster crew is in... Well, I am sure that April won't be the only one being shared at this point.
Around this point in the story I have stopped paying attention to the the ability of this alley to morph into entirely different shapes. Hell, I even stopped noticing the failure of the artist to draw the same people in every scene. Didn't that red head used to be asian? Weren't their only two of them? Did they split into more people somehow? Did the man come down on the artist's vision of a united and Irish Japan? Things like this leave you asking questions, they might even force you to read the words written in the book. Me, I just keep going and hope it will all make sense.
I never took Leo for one who liked to watch. As a leader I would have guessed he would have been one to stick around and show the others what you are supposed to do when you help a woman get gangbanged by upwards of four guys and several highly mutated beings. I guess we all have our own littler perversions though.
April has lost so much of her feminine qualities that she now looks like a twelve year old boy. From Ethiopia. Who doesn't eat well. And likes older men with mustaches. Also, please notice that their are two boy trash cans, and one girl trash can who have come out to watch with Leo. The more you know.
The Turtles don't look like they have ever been happier. They must be in good moods because they don't seem to care that they are running in urine. I don't know about the rest of you, but they look like they were pretty much just copy and pasted. Leo magically has his swords, and one of them being no longer lodged in Donatello's back. They all seem pretty happy, even though Raphael was the only one who did anything. Michelangelo just looks happy to have friends.
If you where one of the people in the world who thought that this review was entirely too long, be happy that I only went through and reviewed half of the book. I have no idea why the people responsible for this exercise in torture decided clearly after the story arc was concluded that they needed to draw out the book to twice as long.