2/28/05 6:25 PM
Somewhere in the four hour block of Sliders that I watch most days, the SciFi channel likes to remind me that they do make some pretty terrible movies as side projects. They also like to inform me that they normally make them quickly enough so they have a fresh batch ready to show us every Saturday, around the time that Saturday Morning Anime, and Mystery Science Theatre 3000 used to be on. I thought I would ruin some things for you and show you what they have planned for this summer.
Attack of the Baby Eating Toilets: An alien plot to slowly rob the world of properly disposed waste, toilets start to eat babies. The movie slowly subjects us to the riggers of a world filled with toilets that devour anyone under two feet tall. The aliens believe that by slowly striking the fear of toilets into the hearts of the people of the world, they will eventually cause a great plague when everyone starts to go in the streets.
Things get interesting when cults are formed around the slowly organizing race of super toilets. Not to be out done, the government works on ideas to dispose of human waste in other ways. None of them work. Everything is solved when one young boy throws a rock at and alien causing the entire alien race to flee, proving them pussies. Best quote in a movie is uttered by the boy as the camera zooms in on him, "See, violence does solve things"
The Papercut: In an effort to cure the world of all disease, one sciencist accidentally causes all people to die from the smallest of cuts. While the first fifteen minutes contains sciencist blathering about how to show the world that it is ok if they bleed to death, as long as no one gets cancer anymore. The next fifteen slows down a little while we watch him slowly bleed to death from walking into a wall.
The real excitement comes when criminals stop using guns, and start throwing paper at everyone. You see body builders, super heroes, even the president run and scream like a little bitch when someone walks into the room with a stack of paper. The movie slowly resolves itself as all forms of paper are burned, and everyone goes about using computers.
The Computer that Could Watch TV!!!: A renegade college grad student crosses all the lines and makes a computer that is self aware. He calls this invention "Artificial Intelligence". He then crosses the line even more when he installs a TV tuner inside of the machine, and allows it to watch TV.
Things heat up when it is shown that the computer clearly must be evil when it chooses to become a "Charmed" addict. Spending its entire day watching episode after episode, it becomes clear that it will soon take over the world. Some chick falls in love with it, and cries as the army smashes the machine with a sledge hammer. A must see.
Nuclear Baby: After years of hating everything American, the Russian finally find a way to get around our Nuclear Arms Treaty... making people nuclear bombs. The Russians have taken everything a step to far, when they decide that they least likely way for their bombs to be found out is by making infants nuclear weapons.
Things go "Nuclear" after the first baby is exploded. Americans decide that the only way to combat this evil is to resurrect Jesus. After 2000 years of rest, the Man is ready to come around and start kicking Russian ass. He proclaims America to be the greatest of all of the nations, and then has a climatic battle is a newly reborn Stalin. Embedded with the forces of evil, Stalin and Jesus are locked in what can only be the battle royal of all time. Don't miss this one.