4/13/04 3:42 PM
I hate my roommates. I always have, and I am pretty fucking sure that I always will. It might work under the same logic as that of cabin fever, or some bullshit like that. Simply put, living with my best friends causes them to lose eyes and other painfully, yet fun to remove, parts. Here are some things that I have come up with to make them stop acting like a jackass, for common issues that seem above their heads
They don’t do the dishes:
No one wants to do the dishes. Look, this isn’t fucking rocket science. It sucks, get over it. The sooner that you do them, the sooner they are done, simple math. Considering that I have to eat off of these dishes when I want food, I normally end up doing them. But is there a way to trick your roommate into doing them? No? Then I guess that we have to figure out how to make them stop using dishes all together.
Place all your clean dishes in the sink, then put all the dirty ones in the cupboard. Why misplace the dirty ones? The entire idea of this exercise is to make sure that you can inflict as much pain on the moron that lives with you as you possibly can before they die of some horrible disease that only the unclean get, like cholera or something like that.
No one ever questions the cleanliness of dishes in a sink, by the nature of being placed in the sink, they are dirty, and will remain that way until placed in the cabinet. The dirty dishes in the cabinet make your roommate question your ability to clean anything at all. They probably won’t start doing the dishes, but they might start buying paper plates, making your life easier. Hopefully, though, they will die from eating off of dirty plates.
They eat all the food:
Empty fridge? Just went shopping yesterday? Still no fucking food? Just want your roommate to stop eating it all? Don’t feel like hiding it in your room? Two steps, one for fun, one for effect.
Effect: Change placement of your food. If you keep your mayo in the fridge, keep in with the pots and pans. If you keep your bread next to your microwave, put it in the fridge. Misplace all the food in the house. The goal is to make sure that even if someone could find one article of food used in the process of, say, making a sandwich, they can’t find anything else that would make this substance known as “food”. If done well you will need a map to find the food.
Fun: After you are done hiding all your food, put other food that can be mistaken for it in its place. This might take some label peeling, but the final product is worth everything. My two favorites are Salad Mix stuff for Mayo and Orange Juice for Milk. The salad mix stuff looks just like Mayo, even smells a bit like it. If you remove the label, no one will ever know until they take a bite of the deadly sandwich. Orange Juice in the place of milk is a little easier. You just need to put OJ in a milk container. Works every time.
They won’t leave your room:
A common problem that is simply solved; don’t use a dresser. Simply place all of your clean laundry on all of your furniture. If you think you might be entertaining some dumb bitch, in the near future, only place your clean underwear out. This way you can have a quick clean up, (Toss the shit in the closest the moment she appears) and a quick readjustment. The same logic applies here as the dishes. Clean is taken for dirty, and no one wants to sit next to dirty underwear.