11:37 PM
The Savagnator!!!
I couldn't resist it any more. The Powerglove
was calling me from the depths of the cabinet that I kept it safely locked
in awaiting a winner. It was beckoning to me. I had to put it on, if only
to fully experience everything that is the Glove, to know what it really is,
even if just for a moment. We all know that the greatest of all controllers
must be glove based. I knew it from the day that I read it on a stone tablet...
somewhere...
No, good readers. I wasn't going to play video games with it. If you think
that is what the Powerglove is for, then you clearly never lived in the age
of Johnny 5 and Mario 3.
The Powerglove is for scaring small children and Fred Savage. It is for impressing
women. It is for getting drunk with and walking around your apartment making
everyone around you feel strange envious of you. That is what the Powerglove
is for.
On closer inspection of classic Powerglove documentation.
(AKA The Wizard.) I found that other people seem to lock up the Powerglove,
keeping it from running amuck with its unstoppable amounts of awesome. I could
feel it calling to me. I am sure that Fred Savage could feel it calling to
him, through the retro-ness that was the 80s.
Was it a bad idea to let the power of the... um... Powerglove out? Yeah, probably.
Did a lot of what happened that night have to do with me being terribly drunk?
NO! I was terrible drunk because the Powerglove commanded it! It destroyed
everything that was common sense and forced me to become one... One with the
power!
You can clearly see that I am drunk on several things. I guess that power
is probably one of them... Eyes red, fist clenched, bladder... fairly empty.
I was ready to fucking rock all over the place for no good reason. From my
hair you can see I am already starting to power up in some sort of Dragon
Ball format, but that was quickly dismissed for better ideas. Ideas that had
more to do with being drunk then kicking the crap out of aliens that looked
strangely like every enemy from Chrono Trigger.
I honestly think that this picture is my neighbor of some
kind. I really have no fucking clue though. I believe that she came over saying
something like "Did you guys get my mail?" which we all know was
a bad idea.
Why?
They all know that I am seven different shades of crazy, one of insane, and
two of some sort of taffy filling, also that I run a website that I pull all
kinds of Shenanigans on. I am assuming that the peace sign she is happily
giving the camera is to balance out the complete look of utter confusion at
what is happening. We were all screaming and throwing shit at the walls at
that point. I think I would be pretty fucking confused if I was sober and
looking for my "Vanity Fair" too. Well, I would be that confused
if I was looking for "Vanity Fair" to begin with... but I think
you get what I am saying.
Oh, that guy flipping you all the bird? That is my roommate. I couldn't really
figure out why the fuck he was doing that... Well, not until I saw the next
couple sets of pictures...
Powergloved!
FACE BLAM!
Yeah, I guess that if my roommate punched me in the face for walking through
the door and going, "Man, did work fucking suck today." I would
have tried to ruin a picture of his too...
Wait a fucking minute...
No, if he did that to me I would have fucking taken a dump on his bed, fucked
his sister, posted that shit to the website, published it in some magazine,
cut out her face and then given it to him as a present. Damn right, you just
masturbated to your little sister, you sick fuck. Man am I glad I don't have
a sister... But I should probably wash my bed... or just buy a new one...
Just in case.
At one point I became convinced that I was much, much cooler then Captain
N. I think that my roommate tried to argue with me, was punched in the face
yet again, and then I went into my room and proved him terrible fucking wrong.
Not only did I beat old Kevin in every fucking aspect that one can on the
Rocking Out Loud Meter, (or the good old ROLM... which I should have made
more of an effort to spell something...) but I managed to impress everyone
in the room by how sexy I look with a light gun and controller accessorizing
myself.
It is also good to note that I am clearly trashed in all of these pictures,
and that sunlight is visible in every single one of them.
Now, for those of you who want to compare me to the best known case of powerglove
usage ever...
