11/29/05 10:28 PM
"Spoilers: The New Harry Potter"
In a recent interview J.K. Rowling revealed several spoilers about the new upcoming Harry Potter book. Many fans were stunned with the disclosure that Dumbledore is not dead, Malfoy goes into hiding, and Harry becomes a florist.
"I am just tired of everyone coming up to me and asking me what is in the next book. They have been written for five years now. I would have released them all, but my publishers told me to make the public crave them... I got bored and came up with this next book one night while I was dreaming about gay, gay sex I want Harry and Ron to have. I thought, 'The public will eat up anything I give them... I wonder...'"
Rowling then allegedly threw the reporter a copy of the book and started doing lines of coke off of a 12 year old boy's hairless chest. After being told to "beat it" before "[that] party got really started" the reporter fled back to his studio apartment where he didn't sleep for three days while he finished the 2300 page masterpiece. After the book was pried from the obsessed reporters hands and he was beaten into submission, and assured that Dobby didn't want to eat his testicles, copies of the book were quickly made and sold bootleg style on eBay.
The story opens with Dumbledore coming to Harry in the summer after he left Hogwarts and telling him that the real secret to beating Voldemort was flower arrangement. Without a second thought Harry and Dumbledore rushed off to the country side where they studied for the rest of the summer under Peter Touchyoungboycok, the master of all flowers who had gone into hiding with Malfoy.
The book does seem to drag during the middle, end, and towards the beginning. Large sections seem to be devoted to how well Harry seems to think his bowel movements are doing with his current spout of clean living. It did seem kind of odd that 200 some pages were devoted to his fecal matter.
The hardest section of the book to get through was the final confrontation of Malfoy and Harry. Dumbledore gets fed up with all their bickering and trying to kill one another and flat out says to them, "Why don't you two just fuck and get it over with?" which they then proceed to do. The entire description was drawn out to lunatic detail with each guttural thrust drawn out to insane lengths.
It is this reviewers opinion that Rowling's publisher needs to learn when to start curtailing her efforts to go on and on in great detail about events that have next to nothing to do with anything in the book. Also, they are clearly milking the licence for all that it is worth since the last 120 pages of the book are seemingly phrases that Rowling pulled off of random things. Most of them are just sentence fragments, such as "Eat it all" (which was clearly pulled off of an ice cream cone) and "were's the beef?" which are clearly placed. But other ones, towards what can only be described as "no periods" section make much less sense. "Ride his wild pony shiny cutting girl sense" and "Hair butcher all in Tokyo Best" seem to be translated from other languages.
The book then promptly ends with a picture of Rowling shrugging and looking utterly confused.
Needless to say that this book will become a number one best seller for at least 10 years, seeing as how it further details the life and times of Harry Potter. Already news reports have sprung up around the globe of opening night sales being projected in the low billions.