11:37 PM
Peanut Butter Krunch Heads!!!
Well, I am going to be honest with you all about this. This rant pretty much refuses to take shape. I have been sitting down for awhile, walking around work, even trying to make myself kind of productive. (At my job, not on the web site. I will probably never really be productive on the website, just not something that will happen.) I mean, I came into work tonight figuring that I was going to power through three rants, and I am struggling with one. Well, I think that I have bored you enough with the dumbass details of my piss poor work habit, I give you: Ghetto Cereal, Peanut Butter Krunch Heads.
We all know about ghetto coral. It is what you buy when you don’t really
feel like shelling out the extra 3 bucks for the name Captain Crunch, or you
don’t really care if your Fruity Pebbles have Barney’s written
consent stamped on every single box, but you still want what you are eating
to taste like those things.
But that is what we are here for. Not to make fun of the cereal, fuck that,
it all tastes the same. We are here to make fun of the insane box art that
these people think that they can get away with.
Quick question: When you create a beloved brand name, like Captain Crunch
and the Soggies, you can get a story line going. You can flesh out a feeling
about who the fuck these people are, what drives them, why they are so fucking
crazy about that cereal, even what they do when they go home later. But when
you are making a knockoff of a well known product you really don’t need
to try and make a well loved character, or a character for that matter. I
am not going to get attached to these icons. I am not going to throw in the
guy from Fruity Small Rocks into a school yard argument about which character
could possibly take the Green Lantern. No, these spokesmen of the cheap are
retired to their rightful place next to fucking Aquaman.
I am really not going to lie to you; this is possibly
my favorite cover art to cereal ever. I know that is a large claim to make.
But, seriously look at this fucking thing. The guy on the left is clearly
going coo-coo for the shit. The man is throwing the cereal to the sky, and
the good Lord is returning his favor with peanuts. I guess that is from Genesis
when Moses said “let my cereal go!” Well, either that or he is
drunk. They both work.
Strangely enough the girl that he has brought with him seems to be challenging
the Peanut butteriness of the cereal she is clearly endorsing. I honestly
think she is trying to tell us that, sure this stuff does taste like peanut
butter and that you, a normal human might think that is pretty nifty. Maybe
you might even get off on that kind of thing. No, not her. This girl is serious
about the amounts of peanut butter in her every meal. The rest of us feel
guilty about this kind of thing and hide jars of this shit around our house,
as well as the houses of loved ones. We try and sneak peanut butter into every
meal, turkey dinner, cheeseburgers, yeast. You name it, us fellow fiends of
the butter made from peanuts will drench our favorite addictive on it. The
difference is we do it on the sly. We all know it is wrong. Not this girl.
For that, I salute her.
But none of that even starts to get me close to why I love this box. I love
this box because it has raised the bar for every other character that eats
their own kind. This is a common occurrence in the ways of ghetto cereal.
You get a frosted flake eating other frosted flakes, a turtle eating turtle
wax, or a can of grape fruits eating babies. I don’t know how most of
those examples got in there, but I am not going back to edit. Back to the
article! But not this box, this box raises the bar.
These are normal Krunch Heads. They are eating Peanut butter Krunch Heads.
You can tell because they are shaped differently. Think about that for a minute.
The closest thing that I could think of would be if you had a box of Solent
green with a white guy eating it on the cover and the caption, “Now
made with Asians” was there.
Now I flip the box over for extra fun.
Normally when you find a game on the back of a cereal box it has something
to do with the general theme of the cereal. Frankenberry needed help plundering
the town of berries, Buberry wondered why they needed another cereal with
a “berry” theme, and Garfield stills hates Mondays. If there is
some kind of crazy story going on with the commercials you might get something
that follows the 30 seconds of plot laid down, Toucan Sam putting a mirror
together, Barney bottle fucking Wilma, Babies eating live snakes that are
sucking life blood from their souls.
Krunch Heads, on the other hand, has done us all a huge favor by making sure
nothing like that happens here. Unless somewhere in Krunch Land I missed a
couple of years and they are secretly the Pharos’s favorite food I am
pretty sure they pulled all these games out of their collective asses. The
best thing about this maze is that it is never really made it clear where
you are supposed to go. I am guessing that you start on the outside, but I
honestly see about three, possibly five, goals that you could aim for. No
instructions like “beware Alligators and your weird pedophile Uncle,”
came up. So, um…. yeah…
All of the images are linked too much larger ones so you can plaster you wall
with the inherit joy of my wit. I guess I am going to go find that jar or
peanut butter and cry a little.