10/16/04 11:35 PM
Look, the Triforce of Wisdom. Much like the Trifoce of Power, only this one speaks in riddles and floats.
If you lived anywhere in the early 90's you thought that the Legend of Zelda was the greatest thing in the universe. If you where a child and watched cartoons you would skip school if you even heard a rumor that they might be showing all of the episodes on TV. I know I did. I think it was because my teacher hated me and wanted me to miss the day when he told us all the basic operating rules of society. I think that explains a lot. But not why I think women aren't people.
Speaking of women, I know why all of the women alive are fucked up. The people who wrote this cartoon made Zelda the biggest bitch that they could. Personally I think that Zelda is really just Carry Fisher when she was all coked up, only using a different name. Probably right after the Star Wars Christmas special trying to get more blow. It would have been the only way that she could have sank lower while still using princess Laya as a general character type.
That is Link. The picture makes him look like he is taking a dump on some kind animal. I thought it worked because this entire show gave me the impression of German porn that was influenced by too much Japanese porn. If you put constant puns that no 8 year old could have caught on to, from things they brought up in the beginning of the episode with things that just happened, you almost get an idea of what this entire experience is like as an adult.
Link is always trying to excuse himself, but I quickly get the distinct impression that he learned English from some mildly retarded rap star who had problems pronouncing words with consonant in it. Excuse me comes out with way to many U's and stress on the wrong letters. Maybe the voice actor was prone to some kind of rare seizure and this job was a personal triumph. Either way I still want to hunt him down and feed him wire mesh until his voice box ruptures causing him to have some semblance of normal speech, right before he dies. That might be why all the episodes come without credits. It might also explain why the Zelda games still do not have voice actors in them. After this kind of disaster I am a little afraid too.
It seems that even the characters are confused at the progress of this series. Link saves the princess time after time. She then questions his abilities as a hero along with demeaning him in every way a woman can a man. In one episode she even questions his sexuality. That's love.
Link only demands a kiss as a reward for his valor. He is repeated denied, pushed around, and stepped on. He takes beating after beating and comes back for more. If this isn't some kind of dysfunctional relationship, I don't know what those fucking retard psychologist were thinking of when they made up that term. I mean, if the princess had her father fuck Link while slapping him in the face and nailing Ganon, that would be a little more harsh. That is probably why they ended the series, the producers said that enough was enough, and that there was not going to be any kind of that action on TV. That still doesn't explain why the second to last episode concludes the series and the last one has nothing to do with post conclusion antics. If that last sentence made sense, please reread it until it doesn't.
Let me see if I can set up this horribly off center image for you. Zelda has been kidnapped by Moblins, (not goblins, these are original beings. They did not steal any ideas from anything) who she though where dolls. She isn't fighting. Link throws a bomb, jumps on his shield, flys across the courtyard to land on the bomb, then manages to fly all the way across the country to where Zelda is. This scene explains to me why my parents thought cartoons where going to rot my brain. It also explains why I thought that Duck Tales was believable.
This rant has taken entirely too long to write. Not only that, I spent all day watching this shitty cartoon to try and come up with something of value to say. I have learned many things today, and that is the how I am going to attempt to close this.
1. Memory lane isn't a happy place. It reminds you why you are happier as an adult, and dumber as a child. It also makes you think that your parents weren't really just telling to to stop watching TV so they could see The Price is Right, they might have really worried that the shit that was on would cause your brain to leak out of your ear.
2. If I want to make a cartoon have a lasting effect on a loved video game series, make it as annoying and far from the ideas and concept of the game as I can. Also, throw in catch phrases that only will serve to annoy parents.
3. When avoiding bombs magic shields are good blast shields.