12/19/04 10:43 PM
Ever notice how everyone in America tells you what to do before going to college, but never anything when you are leaving? Well, here is a list of things that I ending with my computer on fire. Enjoy.
1. Safe Sex:
The greatest thing about being in college is not paying for condoms.
In hind sight I only managed to grab a night's worth of protection with this pass, which is kind of upsetting. The stash includes a female condom, which is odd to say the least, finger condoms, a dental dam, and a glove. I guess I can understand a dental dam and finger condoms. The glove I don't really get. If you are having problems touching the other person you shouldn't be having sex. Sorry. Well, I guess it could be there for safe fisting. That is cool and everything, that they think of the people with that kind of fetish, but, it is kind of disturbing that it is enough of an issue to warrant including it. And by further inspection, what if someone wanted to shove their foot up some chicks ho ha? I guess my college is trying to tell me that socks are safe enough for that.
The bouncy ball is just a nice touch. Protection from boring sex. We all need that.
2. Halo 2:
I have a terrible network connection at home. I needed to get as much of X-Box Live as I could. Enough said.
3. Drinking with friends:
Call several friends, have one show up with four people, most of whom you don't know. Sounds about right for college. From left to right: Me, (Beer extra) Kat, Sean, Stranger, Debbie. It seems that I am the only one with enough common sense to really not care what anyone is saying. Clearly I am in charge here. Not pictured, Snake:
Yeah.
That is Snake's girlfriend. For some reason she thinks that talking to me will cause me care. I have fooled her by looking the other way, closing my eyes and thinking about her giant breasts. The reason it looks like I heard a mildly amusing joke is because I can't think of her name in this picture. I thus called her "Jugzillia" for the rest of the night.
For another day, which an adventure will spawn out of, when I will explain to you the magic that is purifying vodka with a water filter. Please note that this is not longer theory. This is vodka law. But that is for another time, with SCIENCE!!! The entire point of this picture is to show you that we were not joking around when we poured our shots. Yes, that is a shot glass.
"How did I end up on the floor?!"
"Jugzillia, you are a fucking retard."
It is important to note that no one is helping her up, paying attention, or doing anything to help the fact that there is a man down. As a matter of fact, the only person that is paying attention is me, and I am taking pictures to mock her. I believe she stayed like that for the better part of an hour, rising only to call us all "assholes" then continue drinking.
This is the gayest thing that has ever been posted on the page. Snake is trying to butt fuck Sean. He is in the middle of giving him a reach around when this picture was taken. Please note my ultra cool Hawaiian shirt still hanging. Don't worry, their are many more, they have just torn them down over the course of their ruff, gay sex.
I wasn't really around for any of this, because I was in the living room yelling, "Why the fuck is my computer on fire!" Because right around that time I found my computer shooting out flames and painful death from itself. Not the most sobering thing in the world, but it is really hard to get Jessica Simpson to come to one of these things.
That is about as much as I can really explain about that night. Well, that and I drank every single one of those fucking bitches under the table.