11/21/03 4:55 PM

So the other day I was sitting around watching TV when I happened onto CNN. I am not one to normally sit through a news conference but this one had me dazed. They were talking to this child about how he was about to become the next Jordan or Ruth. They kept telling him things such as how the rest of his life would be bringing soccer to the people of the world.

Now this was a bold claim from the idiots who worshipped this him to make. Not that he was going to be the next Jordan or what have you, they are just plain wrong with that. It confused me how they thought that this youth was going to bring soccer to the world. Here I thought about the legendary soccer riots in Ireland. The Goalie a couple of years back that got killed for fucking up the world cup, yeah, stuff like that. I wondered how he was going to bring soccer to the people’s minds even more. Maybe he will point out that soccer sucks and most of the world is just wasting their time.

Then it accord to me, maybe he could go around and point out other things that suck with the world. I started to compile a list of things that he should enlighten most people on. The list went on and on. I stopped after a bit and thought about how he would get the list. Maybe he understood my undying hatred of soccer and read my mind. This excited and confused me. Soon after I fashioned a hat made entirely out of cardboard so that he couldn’t read my mind or steal my soul vowing only to take it off when I would think evil thoughts for this soccer champ to grab at.

Poor Freddy

About a day later Michael Jackson faced charges of molesting a child. Damn, this kid was good. Then I read farther into the headline. Charged with molesting a boy… Freddy no… It was clear that Freddy the Soccer Pro who could took one for the team. He was going to make sure that Jackson would never make another record as long as the world would spin. This had a great deal of bravery and I think that we should all say some thanks to Freddy now. He took one in the pooper and is sending Jackson to jail. This boy knows no bounds.

Then I was thinking that everyone in the world hates cops, right? And everyone else thinks that people who are truly mentally insane are a laugh riot. So how would you merge these two things together? I sat around and looked blankly at the wall for awhile thinking about what Freddy would do in a time like this. I just didn’t know what I could think his way… I then decided just to leave it up to him and that he would probably make the best choice for the entire world.

What did he do? He allowed an escaped mental patient to get into a bulldozed and start attacking… Well if I told you that he only went after cops I would be lying to you, but it did seem like he had a fun time running shit over. This made it clear to me, Freddy really was going to go around the world and starting to change things from the bottom up. This boy was indeed worth all of the praise that the media had given him. I started to wonder what else he could go after next. One final thing that would make sure that everyone knew that the world was a changing. This had to be something big, something grand, and something that I really, really hated.

I now know what Freddy must do to show how much hate and control he has over things that suck beyond reason.

Wil Wheaton has been an enemy of mine since before time/space began. He has single handedly thwarted most attempts I have made to end his life. For that I know he is a bastard. Many a time have I been awakened at night thinking about his next evil deed. Never had I seen his pure evil come out in force, never that is, until today.

He has a new book coming out soon, and I am sure that most of you felt the evil through all forms of your protective spandex. This is his most evil plot ever, by far. He wants everyone in the world to think that he really was on board of the Star Ship Enterprise.

In this book he recounts that people used to hate him on the set and how he had only one option to survive, to build the real ship. Once that was done he went to enlisting all those who made fun of him back on the ship, just to show what a great guy he was. It didn’t work though, we all still hate him.
After he was done crying for several seasons of the show he came back and tried to become something of a teen icon. This failed and he was sent back into fits of crying and sobbing. After another time though he thought it would be nice to open a webpage and give other hopeless losers who have no life try and find life within his sodding of the lawn. People seem to find these dumb adventures interesting while others (Myself) would like to see him die in some super painful manner. I am not picky, just something that has to do with him dieing from any sort of overwhelming pain would be nice.

For those of you who don’t know this, most things in Wil’s life are made up. He likes to think that people like him and that people really enjoy reading his site. Mainly, though, it is just another attempt of the kind hearts of the internet to embrace those who are to much of a fucking loser to understand why no one has liked them since grade school.

Here’s a note Wil: If you are going to write a book about your life, don’t start with the part that no one cares about. Hell maybe you shouldn’t even start with the parts that you made up so that people will think that you are L337 or what have you. How about you just skip all of that, take all of those imaginary friends of yours and start shooting yourself. That would be nice. Also it would save Freddy some time. Also, spell your name right. It's WILL.
Thanks

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