5/19/04 6:21 PM
So many people spend drunken nights running around town screaming about holes to the very center of hell opening in their back yards. So many of these people are just looking for attention to proclaim that their living style is beyond a doubt, the worst that has ever been brought to life in this great country, of the U.S.A. What some people don’t realize is just how tragic it really is when a hole to hell opens in their back yard, the pain that is caused from this occurrence, and the looks that neighbors tend to give when imps bust into their house at all hours of the night to eat all the cashes of coffee that have been ferreted away.
This entire situation happed to a loving couple in the close nit community of Clifton Park, a wonderful suburb of Albany, New York. The persons of Jackie and Hitler Abdullah returned from the bar one night to find that their love nest had been taken over by demons from the second layer of Hell. Needless to say that the couple was shocked, startled, and just a little confused. Not having anywhere to turn at this time of night, they spent the remainder of the moonlit hours at home. “Where else where we going to go?” Hitler admitted.
One short night quickly turned into another, and into another. “We just didn’t know what to do. We came home and it was a Sunday, of all days. Then Monday we were just a little more then tired after getting home from work, and we thought to ourselves, screw this, I went to college, I can deal with whatever these lesser demons can bring on.” Jackie was more then happy to admit that the entire week quickly went by that way, and then after that they just kind of decided that it might just be easier to stay there. “I know that it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but what can I say, Hitler is the laziest man in the world.” At this Hitler smiled and laughed.
It seems that Jackie and Hitler would have continued to try and ignore the slowly worsening problem if it hadn’t been for the neighbors becoming involved. After about two weeks the Imps and harpies started to invade the neighbors and try and start problems with them. “Those damn Abdullahs. We tried everything, and they just didn’t care. What were we supposed to have done? We went to annoy the closest normal people that we could find.” An Imp said when asked for comment.
Things started getting interesting when the neighbors called in a local priest to try and handle matters. “I took one look at that hole and the creatures that were crawling in and out of it, and I thought to myself, this is going to be fun. I was being sarcastic, of course.” The priest still looks sad when he speaks of the entire matter. “I tried the best that I could to get that hole closed. But the problem is, once something starts leaking out of a gaping hole, it is almost impossible to make it stop.” The priest seemed to start speaking to himself. “Hitler and his wife didn’t seem interested in helping at all. They are the laziest people that I have ever met, and I am a priest. I meet a lot of really lazy people who don’t care about anything. But I mean, they had a gaping hole in their backyard with demons crawling out of it. The biggest response that I got out of them was, ‘eh, what can you do.’ It was amazing, and sad. Mainly sad, though.”
Dante once went through the long process of detailing what
would happen to those who decided that they didn’t need to worship God
as much as they needed to. He went through the effort of writing one of the
most informative processes on hell ever. This book was called “The Divine
Comedy”. Sadly, nothing in this book was funny, and the misleading title
seems to have driven way many who picked it up for some type of Holy laugh of
some kind.
In this work Dante detailed every layer of hell, from purgatory to the descent
down Satan himself, frozen in the mild of a giant lake of the damned. Every
now and then he would hint on those that seemed to work in hell, those that
would torment those down in hell, for a job, not fun. One of the demons was
more then happy to confess, “It isn’t like we all love doing our
job. You don’t apply to be an Imp. You are born into this. For the first
hundred or so years you really can work out some anger issues bothering those
lost souls, but after that… I don’t know… I kind of want to
paint.” Most of the other Imps seemed to agree with this subject. “So
that is why I am more then happy to come up through this hole and, you know,
just spend some time to myself. Enjoying the sun and what have you.”
All other contemporary pieces on demons seem to make it seem that they all love what they do, and, more over, that they all hate the sun. Mr. John LightSocket is brings up in his newest work, “The demons I know and Love” that not all demons are bad. Even going so far as to say that they are just like humans, just much, much uglier, also, with much more annoying sounding voices. Through John’s extensive research into the area he seems to be more then happy to tell everyone that he knows, or passing strangers that Demons are good friends, better roommates, amazing pets, and cook possibly the best chicken this side of the Mississippi. If you have any question for Mr. LightSocket, you can find him on the street corner in downtown Albany. Almost any street corner, if not found on one, move on to the next. His cardboard box can be found under the 8th street overpass if you need him during the night. Just ask for the “crazy demon guy”.
But what is to happen with the hole to hell that opened up
in the back yard of the Abdullah family? It seems like that portal is there
to stay. Neighbors are flocking away, saying that the demons that seem to be
around most of the time don’t know how to interact with people, and won’t
get jobs either. Land value is falling in that area, and if you are into the
entire hell type thing, or are Goth, I would suggest looking into a home in
that area.