10/27/04 6:05 PM
This isn't a review of the new GTA. If it was, it would be over in the Games section of the site. You know the one, it is all gray, and looks depressing. This section, on the other hand, is all made and angry looking. That is because I am pretty fucking angry at ignorant people who think that their opinion should matter.
Let me start of this way, this is not the greatest game of all time. No, that was Katamari Damacy. I think that you all might remember that. It was so great the game literally invented an award to give to itself in view of how fucking awesome it was. That is just what the greatest game of all time does. This game? I don't see any awards laying around here, do you? This isn't even the most violent game of all time. That would have to go to 'Corpse Killing, Skull Fucking Madmen from Planet Kills-A-Lot'. Although I am sure that you haven't heard of that game, because I just made it up. Right now.
So, now that I have shot down all of your positive praise of this game, I am going to start in on how fucking ignorant you think you can be when talking about this game.
We call that a red filter, not an orange one. By the way, he is in a half pipe.
1. Everything is all orange: First off you fucktard, that isn't called orange. That color has another name, it is called red. Everything is red. Yes, everything in this game is dyed red. For what reason I don't know. Stop fucking bitching and acting like this is a huge surprise that they put a filter on the game. Do you remember ever playing Vice City? Do you? Because if you did you would know that had a pink filter that everything went through. Guess what else, you window-licking douchenozzle, red is a manly color, hence a step up from fuck me with a fecal plug pink.
2. They curse to much: This is by far my favorite complaint of this game. Why? Because it normally comes after, "I love rap music. This sound track is so great." I find this interesting because until "My bitch done stole my car," was released, I thought that all rap music was simply a poorly strong together line of cursing to a shitty rhythm. You know, what people who failed life did after episodes of Jag.
3: All the music besides the rap were just filler: Another good one. Normally this goes on to add things such as, "The rap station is what we all were looking forward to. It was what the 90s where about," or something else that makes no sense at all. I normally listen to one of the rock stations, or the talk station. Oh, wait, that is what everyone fucking does. Wait, isn't that one of the songs from the Alternative station in the background of the official trailer? I think they call that, "Welcome to the Jungle." Some band called Guns and Roses did it. You probably didn't know them though, you know, cause they were such a small group and all.
4: The graphics are horrible: This is almost a good point. I cannot stand the site of any characters arms when in use during casual conversation. They look unnatural and deformed. The rest of the argument? No, they look like they always have. You cannot praise Vice City with one hand, and push it away with the other. Vice City is suddenly forgiven of its one sin for looking like it did. "It was two years ago!" Lick my ass.
5. Too many black people: Don't worry, I had to read this twice as well. For the most part it seems that everyone who hated this game was trying to come up with any reason to hate it, because this is what bothered them the most. Everything was always brought back to the main character as a complaint. I know what the fuck is up, you racist assholes. You are all acting like this is a horrible fucking game because you can't stand playing as a black man. You're failure to acknowledge a game because of this amuses me.
I am not going to sit here and tell you that this is the best game ever, it has massive flaws that keep it from being the powerhouse that it clearly should have been. A valid complaint would have been something about how easy it is to build up the muscle of your character to max, or how easy it is to put on or take off weight. (20 minutes can pretty much have every stat maxed out, giving you a character with fat muscle, another 2 and you can shed off several hundred pounds of fat.)
When did they invent fat muscle?
Another valid complaint is gameplay. Hell, none of you even bring up gameplay in your fucking issues. You just act like the gameplay is perfect. Guess what, it isn't. Ok, you need a new targeting system. I was promised the ability to target specific body parts, I got the head and the torso. Where the fuck did my arm/leg/groin shooting go? I can't even figure out how to hold a place up anymore. Well, I can, but they won't give me money, so I may be doing wrong. They either made things more complicated without reason, or just took shit out.
Over all this is the best GTA that has ever been made, no argument. Is it a perfect 10? No. It is in the high 9's somewhere, though.
By the way, this was the closest thing you are getting to a review.