5/5/06 11:20 PM
"Grappling Hooks"
On the list of things that everyone should have, I am pretty sure that grappling
hooks is right behind “Webpage that no one reads”. Once you have
successfully started a geocities account you should go to your local mall
and buy yourself one.
Don’t act like you can’t pick one up within fifteen minutes of were you currently are. There is always a store that sells “Oriental” “goods” with some really, really white guy behind the counter. I am pretty sure that it is some kind of law that you have to have that and a head shop that has the world’s oldest female stoner working there. Let me tell you friend, you haven’t lived until you have some old lady tell you that no one can tell the difference between a bong and a flower pot. No old person, they just think that you are so insane that you didn’t know that was a bong when you bought it and are trying to play into whatever state of dementia you are currently in.
Considering that last paragraph went on for entirely too long I will promptly move on.
Think about it this way, if you were out with a bunch of buddies, driving along and you come to this giant wall, you are all going to be bummed. That is, until you remember that you have a grappling hook in the back of your car. Bam, you are over that wall, laughing at all of your friends. What if that wall was holding bears, you ask? Well, you just grappling yourself back over that wall and have a better story then any of your friends. That is the power of grappling hooks.
Say you are hanging out in a store and someone you don’t want to talk to comes up to you, what do you do? That is right, point in any direction away from you and grapple to safety. It is normally best if while doing this you avoid screaming the term “away!” mainly because that will give away what you are doing. But you still snuck away from certain bordum and you only need to cling to that ceiling for 20 minutes tops.
Not only are grappling hooks a good idea for general use, but they make great presents. You might just be chilling out, one of your friends want to show you the new Ipod that their girlfriend bought them, or something gay like that. You just laugh and pull out your grappling hook and send that grapple through that little toy. You can never be given enough grappling hooks either, if you have two, that just means that you can take one of your expertly skilled friends in that raid against the forces of aliens.
All I really have left to say on this subject is very simple, if it is good enough for a ninja, it is good enough for you. Throwing stars, grappling hooks, swords, stealth, random sex, and killing people in explosively sweet ways are all things that are good enough for any human being.
James Bond wasn’t above using a grappling hook, hell, he was all like “shit, ninja assians! I totally have to beat them at their own game!” Well, that was either Bond or Austin Powers. I kind of get those two confused most of the time. The only real difference is that Austin Powers normally got better looking women, and didn’t have the best character ever, Q. Q knew enough to not reinvent the grappling hook, just to give it out over the decades to Bond after Bond.
Another perfect example of my correctness
is Batman. Everything he did is crafted after the ninja way of life. Baterangs,
Grappling gun, the Batmoble, all of them based in the ninja teachings. Not
that you should follow his examples and try to improve on the ninja ways,
mainly because Batman was a scientist and rich enough to afford someone to
clean up after he killed hookers. The point is that Batman rocks, and if you
are too good to kick ass with Batman you are clearly too good to be reading
this webpage. Get the fuck out of here you bastard.