10/8/03 7:12 PM
My Toilet!!!
So the other day I managed to put something from the bar in my stomach that thought that it would like to find its place in a more watery environment, and I was more then happy to apply. I have always been a firm believer in making sure that everyone is in the habitat that they would be most at home in, so naturally I was spending a great deal of time with my Toilet to make sure that everything went well with my friend from the bar. As time passed me and my Toilet started to talk more and more, catching up on things, you know making sure that nothing huge had passed since the last time that we had a chat.
It turns out that my Toilet was running for governor of California, and was wondering if it could count on my vote. I was mildly skeptical at first, but it turns out that everything was legal, and that California will pretty much let anyone/thing run for office. Still I didn't know, was my vote going to be best placed with my Toilet? Was he going to be the one to turn that huge debt that California had into profit? I listened to his campaign, but was still undecided. I needed time to think this over. I headed back to my bed, to let things mull over in my head. After a short period of time I realized that I needed to speak with my toilet more about his campaign.
Soon after arriving the toilet and I held a heavy debate over what kind of stances he had, how they would effect me, and the height issue of Gary Colemen. Here are some of the facts that I came away with:
1. Campaign Slogan. "At least I don't endorse Hitler and everything that he stands for," flash to
2. Campaign Slogan 2. "I am taller then Gary Colemen"
3. Legalize prostitution and Gambling. Tax it all, use that money to fix the economy, use all the excess money to donate to the readers of Varms.Net.
4. Kill all annoying people with large koi.
5. He has taken more shit then any one of the people who are running for governor.
6. He is geared to handle the shit that California hands out more then any other candidate.
The list went on and on, but I had to stop and ask the toilet, who is your assistant governor going to be? It looked at me without blinking and said, this man.
I was shocked at how toilet paper had managed to appear on top of the toilet as if by magic. I didn't know what to say. The idea of having a toilet and a roll of toilet paper (who from the looks of it had done his share of battling as well) in charge of the people of California seemed... Fitting? Justified? No, not that. This was fate. No one else was as geared as these two were for the run of governor, they were ready, as no one before them could have ever have been. These two have champ written all over them.
Now let me tell you about how many times this toilet has saved my life, and how much it has handled from me. Every time that I was down, and needed a friend to run to, to take care of everything that was troubling me, he was there. Every time that I needed just a little bit more support when I was feeling wobbly, he was there. When I just needed somewhere to put my head to rest for a moment, this toilet was there for me.
So please, when you go to the polls to elect yourself a new governor, remember that not all of them are actors, or porn stars, or midgets who are trying for one last grasp of fame. Some of them are inanimate objects that are located in my bathroom.
Thank you.