11:59 PM
Types of Guests That I Hate
I hate my job, I hate the hotel I work in, I hate the guests who stay here. Here is an itemized list why.
Tell line is basically their tell. Bam, you know what they're holding.
Favorite Line equals something that one of the guests has said that is so priceless I need to inform internet.
Sad face
is because I can't tell you how much I hated that fat smelly bitch who sat
in the fucking lobby stinking up the place with her beard thicker then I have
ever seen on any man, so I used the dumbest emote I could think of to invoke
anger in you, the reader.
The Good Buddy: This
guest thinks that he is your good, personal friend. He tries to talk to you
by name, and brings up interesting tidbits that have happened while you are
around them. They also try to flex the muscle of friendship by asking favors
that you would always tell the rest of the world to fuck off for. This category
can combine with several other branches.
Tell Line: Do you mind if I...?/Do you think
I could...?
The I am Going to Get a Free Room:
Also known as the cheapskate. Will do just about anything to try and get a
free room. When it becomes clear that there is no way in hell they will receive
that, they start trying for an insane discount. Will complain and come up
with amazingly impractical stories and excessive tales to convince you that
they aren't "fucking with you". The lies are always seen through
after they say proclaim that you attempted to kill them, and promptly ask
that the remainder of their stay be free.
Tell Line: Your hotel is horrible! I want eight
more nights for free!
Favorite Line: I found this knife in my bed!
The Take You for A Ride:
These are a step below the I am Going to Get a Free
Room because they pay for their room, but if you include anything
they are going to abuse the fuck out of it. Free long distance? Time
to call everyone I haven't called since I was in elementary school. Free computer
in the lobby? Time to sit on my fat, smelly, lady bearded ass and surf the
web for 6 hours while anyone who works here tries not to gag.
Tell Line: Does this computer have a printer
with free print-outs? No... :(
The Fucking Idiot:
Keanu Reeves. The person that you are positive they should have a government
founded "friend" giving them high fives for wiping their ass and
making sure that they don't put their finger in a light socket or start eating
glass because the kids down the hall said it was hot.
Tell Line: Buttons?
The Stoner: They are
stoned, they don't understand that their are other people in the world who
currently aren't. They think that just because they are up at 4 A.M.
that the other guests in the hotel, or even the person working, is awake and
wants to deal with their shit. Is easily threatened by the mention of cops.
Favorite Line: I didn't know clam baking a room
with 12 people would set off a fire alarm...
Tell Line: Do you know any places that deliver?
The MY VACATION IS RUINED AND IT IS YOUR
FAULT: Happy to blame everything that goes wrong during
the entire stay on any person that they could be passingly paying to cause
them enjoyment. If one thing goes wrong with their stay, it is clearly your
fault and you should be fired for ruining possibly the rest of their known
lives, and that of their children.
Tell Line: (Someone starts shrieking when you
pick up the phone)
The Pedophile: Hair
slicked back, poorly shaven, tons of aftershave, looks pretty much looks just
like you would expect. Shows up with a child who is clearly too happy to be
spending time with anyone that they could ever possibly be related to.
Tell Line: (Just smiles and you can hear the
grease in his hair saying) You can't prove anything.
The Stereotype: Jews
come in with the hat thing and haggle, black people steal things and listen
to rap, white people are WASPs, the chinese have eight children and assemble
shoes all night for lower wages then Americans would, and the Mexicans come
to pick your cabbage. It doesn't happen all the time, but it is there.
Favorite Line: (Jewest voice ever) Can't you
offer me a better deal?
The Irony: Someone
who clearly has no intention of following through with something, even if
they get the answer to the question that they want. A Medieval re-enactor
who asks for soap, a fat person who wants to know if you have a gym, a pimp
who wants to know where he can go to fight for woman's rights, or me giving
a fuck. People who clearly have no idea who they are.
The ?!? ... wait... What?:
Best of the group because they normally only appear once a month, on a full
moon. Always quicker on the uptake then you, seemingly appearing just to confuse
you until it is time for their next appearance in one full lunar cycle. Half
the time you don't know if you want to punch them, laugh at them, or walk
away slowly.
Favorite smell: B.O., aftershave, and... Semen?!?
Favorite Line: Do you guys sell Gerbils?
The Quick Turn Around:
Simply enough, someone that you think is either really cool until something
random and terrible comes out of their mouth, or really lame until something
cool comes out of their mouth. The latter has happened once.
Favorite Line: Africa is a great place,
expect for all the Niggers.
The I Read Varms: Twice.
It happened twice. My picture is hardly on this fucking page. How do you fucking
know me?
Tell Line: Hey, aren't you that Gillman guy from
Varms?
There are more, trust me.