4/23/03 9:27 PM
Don't worry kids, I wanted to cry when I saw this movie too.
It isn't that often that I get confused about shit. Rarely do I just stare off into space for hours after something new has entered my mind. I almost never feel the need to attack random passers by, out of rage, for the simple fact that the universe has just thrown something so out of context, so confusing in front of me, that there is no way that I could ever start to understand what has just happened to my mental well being. This state of unrest rarely ever happens, but it does.
Thus was my aura when I left the theater once seeing the movie entitled "EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS". Never before had my soul been thus torn. Only once before had I ever felt that much pain in one sitting. This was truly a horrible time in my life.
This was one of the few nights in my life that after something horrendous happened I went out and drank the memory of the what happened away. Bucko and I managed to drink so much the night that we watched "EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS" (Thus to be refereed to as "Fuck You Sandler") that we not only forgot the pain that the movie had caused, we also forgot to go to class for the next several days. This "BENDER" that we were lucky enough to live through taught us many things. Such as: Quarters are not food. As well as, Beer makes all women Beautiful. Along with booze heals ALL WOUNDS, AT ALL TIMES. But most importantly, Never see that movie again. All of these lessons we applied very well through the rest of that semester, and into the next.
So not learning any real lessons, I managed to go and see the new Adam Sandler Movie. "ANGER MANAGEMENT" the other day. (Because I got in for free, and it was forty-five minutes longer then PHONE BOOTH, and I needed to sober up.) And all I can say about the damn movie is this, "I guess it was OK..." Here is why.
I really don't remember the last time that I saw a movie, that allow me, within the first 3 minutes of it starting, to know the entire plot. I don't think that I have seen this movie before, so how could this have happened? So he gets bulled when he was young, the girl of his dreams finds out that he has a small penis, and his neighbors laugh at him. I guess that means that he is going to have anger issues later in life... OK. And I guess that since it all happened during his first kiss that he is going to have issues with his love life. Great. And... something more to the plot of is that it?
This movie made me hate America, and I went in knowing it was going to do it. It played on everything that makes this country a shit hole. Great, bring up the fact that you can sue a white male who is doing pretty well in life for almost anything. Middle of the road? Great, that means that he isn't going to be able to afford any real attorney or anything, but it means that he will makes enough so that you never have to work again (But he will spend the rest of his life supporting you), because you are fucking incompetent at your job. Spill more coffee on yourself America, prove the the court system JUST WON'T WORK.
I am guessing that most of you who are still reading this thought "Gillman, we all knew were this movie was going, and we all knew he would get the girl in the end, and that they would put that damn 'YOU CAN DO IT' line in it again. We all knew what was going to happen. What is your point"
Here's my point. I know that this isn't a good movie for the simple fact that we all saw EVERYTHING IN IT coming. We all knew that. But here is the thing, we all laughed at this movie. Why?
Because EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS was a horrible, horrible movie. That fucking thing was made for the simple reason to make this a better movie. Sandler knew that he really couldn't do anything new or fresh, knew that this wasn't a good movie. So what did he do? He released the worst movie ever, making America think that this movie would be bad by default, that he had lost his edge. So what happened? The movie didn't have the FOOTLOCKER logo guy with a singing part. This was a better movie. Better = Funnier!
Fuck you Sandler. Stop using the same plot lines, the same jokes, and the same tired old characters. You aren't a fucking actor. You use the same character, put into different, more crazy problems. Look, Henry Rollins knows that every time that he does a role he is just the same guy, over and over again. Does that stop him from doing different movies? No. Understand that fact and stop doing shit.
