1/11/05 5:44 PM
"Christmas Craptacular 2005"
People ask me why I do this article every year. There is really only one answer, my family has no clue at all who the hell I am. It took them 12 years to learn I was a gamer, and another 5 to figure out I enjoyed anime. They have yet to figure out what either one of those things are. Here is their attempts at kindness:
Wow. Just thinking back to the 90s when the flop of Godzilla came out and how much fun I made of it to every person who would stand still kind of makes me wonder if my family listens to more then three words that come out of my mouth on any given day. The hope that this will one day be worth something is broken by the fact that would only happen if it was merchandise for a good movie.
Interesting choice that they only decided to make the top half. Not really big enough for any person to put their hand inside of it for function as a puppet, this pretty much defies all logic on what the true reasoning in its creation is. He has strangely found a place next to my bed to remind me that I do need to finish this article at some point.
Because Power Rangers are something that I bring up every other fucking sentence. I really mean that. Looking back on my entire life I can think of all the times that I said, out loud, "I really wish that I could do Kung Fu the exact way that Tommy from the Power Rangers does it." Wait, now that I think about I have told more lies based on Raccoons coming in and stealing something nuclear based.
I don't really know what the hell the other movie is. From the grouping that it was packaged I am imagining that it is some kind of communist propaganda that teaches me how to love a Godless government better. Hopefully with magically godless Kung Fu.
Nothing says "I have no idea what to get you" better then Santa Claus Vs. The Devil on DVD. Normally this is something that I would pick out of a bargain bin for the purpose of reviewing on the site. When someone gives you this with a straight face and pretends that you should be excited they got you this instead of, say, something you wanted you kind of want to punch them in the face, pretty hard.
On a side note, the devil kind of looks like someone just shoved something up his ass. I guess he really wasn't expecting it either, with that penciled on beard and all.
This was a real present. It plays the National Anthem when you move the toilet paper. This is just such a treasure that I don't know what else I can say about this. Um... Someone really did try and pass this off as a present this year... Battery included?
Clearly someone thinks that after 23 years of life that I might either be a girl or gay. You know, because stuffed animals is something that most adult men ask for. Oh, wait, that never happened. As far as I can tell they aren't the worth money kind, so basically I have a family member that just went into a store and picked up the first two things nearest the door. Thanks for the effort.
Roujin Z! Rock out! This is one of those animes that no one really knows about and the people who do really hate for some reason. I saw this on Saturday Morning Anime years ago and thought it was the bomb. Maybe my family members are learning my tastes after all...
Never fucking mind. The same person gave me this too. Well, I don't really want to go off on them for not knowing what the hell anime is, but really does any part of this cover look like something that a guy would sit down in his free time and watch? There is a postcard in it. Maybe I can use that to inform all of my relatives that I am a man and to please shop accordingly.
I think this is one of those dolls that men hang in their garage when they are working on their cars to remind them that some hot blond wants their cock. Knowing my family they thought that I would enjoy playing with it in my free time with the rest of the dolls they see me owning. Yet more evidence that not only does my family not know me at all, they have never even met me.
So I was pretty drunk when I started taking these pictures and thought that the little Gill-man action figure that I was given would manage itself into a ton of the pictures. That didn't end up happening, but he did manage himself into a couple. He and the Half-zilla somehow ended up being my "Favorite of the Crap".
I always like toys that say things like "Really works" and "Fun" on them mainly because they lead me to believe that both things aren't true. It seems that this was originally 4.99 but has since been brought down to 25 cents. I am glad that my family has 1. decided to spend a lot of money on me, and 2. stopped caring and not removing the price. Thanks, I will remember this next year when I was going to buy you DVDs for that DVD player I got you this year.
A plethora of Japanese candy. The best part? None of it is the good stuff! I don't know what Japan has about making plastic like rice candy, or gum that tastes like fecal matter instead something eatable. Most of this leads me to believe that most stores that sell this kind of shit want people to take it home and vomit. Maybe this family member asked what the worst stuff they had in the store was and the clerk was kind enough to point to this shit.
This is still by far better then my adventures in Mexican candy. (Don't ask) As a side note, only trust Japanese candy in Pocky or Chocolate formats.
This picture turned out terribly. But it does have the return of my action figure based counter-part. Long time readers will remember the original GameBoy that I received last year. Well, the same family member went ahead and bought me a light for that item. What impresses me most of all is not that they remembered what shit they gave me last year, but that they were able to find a light that would fit over a toaster oven.
The original GameBoy hasn't been made in well over 10 years, which would make this item just as old. Look at the detail and the quality that this item has stayed in. Look how well this has kept over the years. I am truly impressed. Not in any way that makes this present not suck mind you.
Last year I confessed my fear of older cartoons. This year I wanted to take another step forward and tell you all about another fear of mine. The fear of things that are just shouldn't be. Whatever this is falls into that area. I can't really look at this tape without worrying a little bit. Has someone in Vegas finally brought man and cat together to make a show out of it? Why does it have a Japanese good luck charm with it? Whatever the fuck is going on is not right and needs to be stopped. Quickly.
I love this image mainly because both the figures look like they have been caught in the act. If you remember back a couple of years when it was all the rage to have animals that would poop inside of a stretchy bag when squeezed, this is the same concept only with an egg. My only guess is that they got me this because I was always considered "the funny one" and they have no idea what humor is.
Well, that is it for this year. My never ending quest to stop people from giving terrible presents is never ending. Remember, if you don't know the person just give them cash. It is easier and you don't even have to buy a card. We don't read it anyway.