1/11/05 7:48 PM
I had a lot of trouble this year deciding if I was even going to do this article. It seems that most of my family has discovered that I run a webpage, and most of them found out that I commented last year on their shitty presents. It seems that this year they all decided it would be a great idea to help me out with the webpage. I guess the idea of being helpful was giving me garbage for Christmas. Now, keep in mind that these presents were seen as passable for a real gift. Like they could go to the dollar store and spend 5 dollars and give me a rant, and not, say, give me 50 to keep the webpage running. You know, real help.
Take this present. It is a toy ear that is encouraging me to tell something to it. Now, to start off listing why this is a terrible, you must fully understand the scope of this item. For example, if you were to buy this in the store, people might think you were retarded, or possibly buying it for someone who was. If the later was the case that would be abuse, similar to making them wear a t-shirt that says "I eat my shit because I am a retard," because they can't read. Sure, you can easily get away with it, but that shit isn't cool.
I was going to start in on the packaging, but I have no idea what these people where thinking. I guess they lost interest about halfway through and just started drawing random shit on it. If there was an elephant reading a book I would be more accepting of this toy. But I am almost led to believe that sane people made this.
Crap Rating: High
WOW, A GAMEBOY!!! Oh, wait... Yeah, this would have been a good present if I had gotten it fourteen years ago, or when they made Game Boy games. Or when portable items that were the size of a toaster were acceptable in everyday use. If I could either figure out how to cook toast in the perfectly sized slot in the back, or didn't donate this exact Game boy to the thrift store two months ago, they might have done better on the scale.
Crap Rating:Medium~High
Richard Thomas
One small Boy
One Big Foot
One Giant Friendship
Big and Hairy
Look for a rant just on this later
Crap Rating: Low~Medium
Once, when I saw six, I became deathly ill while watching Woody the Woodpecker and eating skittles. It was the sickest I have ever been. I had my appendix out and got to miss a ton of school, but to this day I cannot eat skittles or watch old, shitty cartoons. I don't know if I have ever told anyone that I become violently ill when watching cartoons of this type, but the fact is that this present is terrible. The only way this could be worse is if they started throwing skittles at me when I opened it.
Crap Rating: Puke-Tastic
What the fuck is wrong with people. No, I really mean that. "Here Dan, Merry Christmas!" "Wow... google eyes... Wonderful.." Look around, no more presents. Everyone else is getting checks for 50 dollars, I get shit. I hate you.
Crap Rating: I want my fucking money
"Gillman, why is this passingly ok stuff on the list?"
"Because I own all of these things already."
Crap Rating: annoyed
Well, that is all for the Craptacular. I know that you guys might have been wishing for more, but writing this just makes me angry. This is all you get. Just be happy about that.