Gillman's Christmas Craptacualar!!!: 1/06/04
Everyone gets really shitty presents for Christmas. For the most part this has become sort of a Christmas tradition around the world. There are lots of reasons why people do this, so I am going to list some of them with examples for you. The first is normally because no one knew what to get you and they opted for the "Practical" route and not just breaking down and admitting that they don't know you well enough to shop for you. One such example of the practical route is:
A pile of hand towels, or cloth napkins if you are a bastard. This is possibly the best way to go if you don't know what to get someone. Why? Because everyone can use hand towels at any time during their life. They have many uses in reality, cleaning up blood, used to slow the flow of blood, sew enough together to hide the body that you weren't able to save before with other hand towels. Things of that nature. You can never have to many of these damn things. They are cheap and easy to find. Hell you can even get them personalized at most places to have the persons name sewn on them. Don't know why you go through all that trouble seeing as how they are just going to be thrown away in a matter of a year or two.
The down side of the towel gift? It shows that you made no effort at all to get the person a present. Any blind person can go out and get you some kind of towel and end up with it being useful at least once in its lifespan. There is no effort here and the one thing that most of you readers should know about now is that if you are going to give a present make sure that it says both "I out did you" and "Now you are forced to get me something huge for my birthday because I am that much better" but one must also reach this level of gift giving and still make a profit. Because profit is what holidays are all about.
This next gift falls under the "you don't know me at all you fucking bastard" gift list. For those of you who don't know what Burt's Bees is let me inform you. Burt has made an effort to procure the best hand and skin care products in several known universes. They are made out of all kinds of natural things that Burt goes into the woods and personally kills nature, with only his hands and his kick ass fucking hat. After that he employees some kind of martial art expert to take care of fitting all the wonders of nature into on bar of soap. That is what Burt does.
But if you knew anything about me at all you would understand that I couldn't care less about what the fuck Burt does for me with the skill of a deadly killer. That just isn't my bag. If you gave me this you are implying a couple things. Either you think I am gay, you think that I have horrible skin, or you think that I could do better for myself as a MetroSexual. All of these things are wrong. You made no effort and got me something that you would like to have for yourself and not something that say, a person with a penis would enjoy having around them.
I don't really understand this gift in alot of ways. Sure this is something that someone might give you as what we would call a "filler" gift. This event transpires when someone feels the need to get you more then one present. (Parents, siblings who make more money then you, significant others) This can say one of many things, "You have bad teeth," "I reached a point that I just didn't care," or the ever present "I was told that I must buy you something." All of these are very strong possibilities why you got screwed and got floss and not another video game. This is more of a rounding out of presents though. Someone can give you eight pounds of chocolate and hand you floss at the same time. This suggests that while they understand the pressures of eating all your christmas candy at once, they hope that you understand that you must also be an adult some times and think about things such as teeth.
What I don't really understand about this present is that it claims that it is Hi-Tech. How does one make floss Hi-Tech? Does it have a computer chip in it? Does it talk? Can it do my taxes? I don't care if it tells the government that I am eight immigrants who need welfare as long as I don't have to think about doing taxes again. No. This floss did nothing of the sort. It just kind of sat there and claimed that it was several kinds of Hi-Tech and that my friends were going to like me more for having it. When it came right down to it though it was just normal, everyday floss. Waxed floss. I don't really understand what the difference between waxed and unwaxed is to be honest. I mean I hardly remember the last time that I used floss for anything besides tieing a cat to the railing outside my house. Does waxed burn the kitty less? Will it pull things out of my teeth better? Could that be what is so Hi-Tech? After several seconds on the matter I decided that I didn't really care and simply moved on with the rest of my life.
Slim Jims. This gift says many things. "I was thinking about you so I went out and bought something that harmed an animal" as well as "I know that you are male and enjoy eating things that contain meat" and the always popular "I cry some times on how much I miss Macho Man Randy Savage." Slim Jims are the gift that keeps on giving. Well, they give until you have eaten all 15 that are contained in this nice tub that the person was happy to send. If you are looking for a gift, at any time, that you can send a man and not put to much thought into, Slim Jims are the way to go. For that matter, any form of jerky pretty much flies. It tells them that you understand that they are a man and need to know that for some reason they have dominated over some form of animal today, if not just by eating its sad, sad remains.
For the most part the raps up all the types of shitty presents that someone can give you. While Slim Jims are not shitty in any way, shape or form, there is still no effort put forth in buying them. That is kind of how they fit into all of this.