10/20/03 12:45 PM
More like the hint of shit.
I Don't know about the rest of you, but when you are told that there is a "hint" of something when you buy it what the hell do you expect? Maybe a passing by of a distant memory waving at you? I would call that a hint. Maybe something mildly stronger then that, but not much stronger then a midget who is dying of polio. And that ain't very strong.
To reach full hintness one must not slap the other in the face and tell them what the fuck they are tasting. No I don't think that I would consider someone holding me down and pouring lime down my throat, dumping it in my eyes and rubbing it into my skin a "Hint of Lime". No that is more like "The punishment of Lime" (TM Varms.Net) or "Death by lime wedge shoved down your fucking throat!" (TM People of The Maxx) I don't really know where the people of Frito Lay's thought that it would be a great idea to add the word "Hint" in front of the blatant flavor of the shitty chips.
Not only does this bag boast that these chips are perfect for dipping and made out of 100% white corn, it also would like me to know that I could win an amazing 1,000 dollars. (But apparently only if I was to root for the home team, but still better in some ways then the Billion dollars that Pepsi forced me to drink its many products for this summer.) None of these statements are true in any way, (Expect the Pepsi one) and here's why.
Perfect for dipping would be more along the lines of small cup shaped chips that are wonderful tasting. But on the addition of salsa you cry and find God because they are so crap-fucking-taskitic. That's what the word perfect imply's. When the only way that you can make these triangles tolerable is to dip it in salsa and hope to God that you placed enough spicy wonders on the chip to mask the horrible flavor. That doesn't seem to deal with the definition of perfect at all. In all fairness though, these chips don't taste as much like "The punishment of Lime" when they are covered in salsa. It is sort of an interesting combo of hmm something is interestingly wrong with this chip with the addition of hmm salsa. Perfect for dipping would also include something mysterous about the shape of said chip. Something that I could easily manage to force the chip into a container of salsa without it breaking, or getting salsa on my hand. Why is this important?
Say when you are at work and eating chips and salsa and don't have a bowl ready because you are more intent on not working then planning your next chips and salsa adventure. You hear someone coming. Not knowing if it is your boss or someone else that you would be forced to share with you hide your chips and salsa. If these were perfect for dipping you would only have to hide the contents, not lament over the fact that you forgot napkins as well as a bowl. Now you are forced to tell your boss why you didn't bring enough for everyone else and why you aren't working and why you have porno open on your computer. As you can see everything goes to hell once this bag of chips is opened.
Any positive effects that these chips might have fades if you are like me and eat half the bag. Then you are just in pain because your FUCKING STOMACH DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE A TORTIA CHIP WITH CHEMICALS OF "PUNISHMENT OF LIME" ON IT.
That brings me to the next point, if it is covered in chemicals and has a lofty hint of lime (as the package would have you believe) then there isn't anything that is 100% pure. There is a list of about 26 ingredients that go into making this crap. The first is white corn. Good, I want my tortia chips to have mostly corn in them. The next is Vegetable Oil. (First mistake. This should be Salt) Probably because the shit can be made to taste like lime IF YOU REALLY FUCKING TRY FOR IT. Then the package states that it has less then 2% of other shit. Hmm. So you openly admit that you have more then 2% of vegetable oil, and about 2% of everything else. If I take something then add 2%, then take that away from 100%... Wait... That doesn't make the bag composed entirely of White Corn. you fuckers...
The bag also proclaims loudly that you could very easily win 1,000 dollars by having a tail gate party with Golden Chips. I don't know if the company is aware of this or not, but these aren't those chips. As a matter of fact nothing about these chips are gold. Although they do hint a strange vomit color, not a single one ever turned out hinting of yellow. So there are two possibilities to this. 1. Lay's is run by a group of morons who don't understand that they are telling you to win money with another product. 2. Everyone understands that these fucking chips are nasty as hell, and don't want to eat them. I am hoping for the second option. That would hint more at the fact that they people want to kill this monster now. But these are also the people who invented the chip, so I will give them no such credit.
So to try and rap everything up for you, if you are in to having lime dumped on you hourly because of some strange skin condition that forces that sort of thing to happen and you to enjoy it, these chips are for you. If you hate and/or will die if you come into contact with lime it would probably be best if you just strayed away from every form of chips for the rest of your life, just encase you happen across one of these random chips. (I wouldn't put it past them to try and fuck you over. These chips are fucking evil.) For those of you out there that know of lime and don't really care about it, or kind of like it lime added onto random things, WARNING!!! These chips have been known to cause a rare condition called limeoricy. (Kind of like leprosy crossed with diabetes.) So you probably should not eat them, ever.