5/18/03 10:50 PM
See, the bear loves you too.
So the other day I was trying not to stare at the fucking carpet and act like it was a magic eye while I was in class. I thought to myself, "Damn I am sexy bitch, but there must be something better then sitting through every single one of these damn classes. You need to think of something." So naturally Deciding that the rest of the class was going to be a fucking waste of my time any way, I started to ignore the teacher ever more, and began down the road to come up with a better method of higher education then that of normal college.
Finally after pretending that I could see through the clothes of all the of girls in my class, I stumbled on an idea. I could wrestle a bear for my degree!!! I was so proud of myself for thinking of something better then listening to this dumb teacher talk for another half hour, I got up and left the class right there, only stopping to yell at the teacher and call him "As ineffective as a educator as his parents were with birth control." The rest of the day was mine, I thought that I should get on ironing out this plan, so that I could get on with the rest of my life.
This is what I figured out for the bear wrestling:
First, you must manage to kick the shit out the bear. The event will be judged by three people who are talented in the art of fighting bears. (So most of them would end up being Canadian/Russian.) The first one to either die, forfeit, have the shit beaten out of them to the point of not being able to perform the rights of the degree that will be won, or the first one to cry like a little bitch, loses.
Second, you have to kick the shit out of the bear with any form of aid. IE. weapons of any kind. This must be done by the talent of ones hands alone.
Third, the level of the degree depends on the challenge of the bear:
An associates degree is won by beating a black bear cub.
A bachelors degree is won by beating black bear, fully grown and pissed off by being prodded with hot pokers while you fight.
A Masters is won by killing a grizzly bear, insane with rabies.
A Doctorate is won by defeating the challenge of a Polar bear that hasn't been fed in three weeks.
Now many of you might be wondering why this degree would be more widely excepted, hold more power, and speak volumes of the person who won it. Some of you might even be questioning the ability of the degree to get you a job, thus was one of the questions when i presented this idea to the president of the college. He told me that no would live, we would end up killing off most of the class, and no one would take that degree.
I told him to fuck off and started my own college. It is now called Bear U. Now the people who you see with these degrees might not be the smartest of the their peers, nor the least deformed. But it should be remembered when hiring them, that they did, in fact, kick the shit out of a bear for that degree. This should be remembered when encountering those who hold the title of "Bear U. Alumni," for they are able to kick massive ass, and on command.