12/28/04 10:47 PM
I can't stand it anymore. For over seven years I have kept my mouth shut and not said anything. Final Fantasy 7 is one of my favorite games, but there is just something that I can't get over. But some how this monumental fuck up has become the central vein of video game existence. Waters that were always pure I am going to happily take a dump in. You people are fucking idiots, and I am going to explain why.
Areis was a shitty character, all around. She did almost nothing for the story; if she didn't die she would have been forgotten the moment that you finished the game like other terrible Final Fantasy characters of games past. From this day forward I want you to think of Areis along the lines of Gau, Zell, anyone from Final Fantasy 9, and that blue guy from ten. Just to prove my point lets look at her death.
Cloud, and Cloud alone stumbles in to find Areis hanging out in a random place. No reason is ever given what she is doing there, why that place is seemingly special, or what the hell is happening there. You never really have a reason to go back there, it is a one time shot. Worst of all you don't even get a boss fight out of this. Nope, the game dips down to the level of Halo story line here. Things happen, other things happen, no explanation is given. Doesn't really matter though, Areis is gutted like a pig five seconds later.
Out of fucking no where Sephiroth. Now, that isn't to say that he isn't the fucking man or anything, but the power to appear out of no where and do whatever he wants is kind of fucktardish. Like when Gabe gave himself the ultimate power of... um... line dancing. Sure, it seems like a nifty power to have and everything, but at one point you need to start functioning in a finite universe. Sephiroth comes off less like a bad ass and more like that asshole kid who kept giving himself different powers when you where younger.
If he can appear anywhere why doesn't he just appear and kill us all in our sleep? He seems to be more then capable of coming and slaughtering my towely like friend, why not the rest of us? Oh, that is probably because everyone making this game understood that they had made two of the worst characters of all time. Areis and Cait Sith.
Areis really couldn't look more like some chick from one of those bored house wife sites taking it up the ass. I am sure that if she had a couple more moments to say something, she would probably nag Sephiroth about penetrating her wrong. Thank God that she fucking dies though. Sephiroth just looks upset that he has been forced to take out the garbage.
Keep in mind that none of this is explained in any way. Areis just got high and wondered off, Sephiroth just appeared out of the damned sun and suddenly becomes Mr. Stabby. This isn't sad, it's random. American Idol is sad. Running out of vodka during a party is sad. Areis dieing is like Shaggy pulling the mask off of the villain and going, "Oh, I guess it is me." then having Scooby Doo start nailing his ass while the world melts away. I just don't get it.
When I was younger I was upset that I didn't get to see blood when she was stabbed. But then again, I was more upset that my friend Nick lied to me about the code to see Tifa's tits. I tried that code for a good seven hours. After about the fourth time I knew he was a lying bastard, but I really wanted to see her tits. It doesn't matter, I beat the shit out of him and dumped him outside of a gay bar with a sign saying "First timer." It is funny, we don't talk anymore. You don't get in the way of me and nipples. If they are Tifa's nipples you don't even begin to joke about them.
On the useless scale, Areis is firmly between a toilet brush and a tin foil. Sure, they are there when you need them, but you really don't think "Damn, toilet brushes are so useful!" or, "Areis was a deep, well developed character."