7/19/03 5:34 PM
A promise that this movie will be good.
Going into this movie I was armed several pertinent facts. One, this movie was written and Directed by Arnold "Longest Last Name Ever" Two, James Camerin told me straight out not to go see this movie, and that fearing for my life was a plausible response to seeing commercials, and to hope that Arnold would learn some sort of lesson and never goes on another venture like this ever again. Three, I had a cheap bottle of booze and a theatre that offered very cheap tickets to matinees was right next door to me. Bearing in mind the overpowering weight of the third fact, I proudly risked sanity and went to see this movie opening weekend.
So... You know a movie sucks when...
#1. In the first five minutes something blows up for no reason that will ever be decided on for the rest of the movie, nor will it be talked about, ever again. To save you time on trying to explain the plot and how something like this could be allowed to happen I will just add this point. The plot for the first half of the movie is blowing shit up. (Is that plot?) Nothing happens, you learn nothing, no points from the first two movies are touched on. The only thing that is touched on is Arnold flying through buildings, and then they blow up for no given reason. You just watch shit get blown up. This could be a Fox reality special, When shit blows up.
If you get stuck seeing this movie, it helps to add your own plot. This was mine, so please follow along a magic trip: This movie isn't really about Judgment Day, this movie is about two young kids, who want to make it in this hellish world or erotic porn. Their dream? To dance like no one has danced before! But evil space aliens keep getting in their way, and they must fight for what they love, Dancing, and random sex with big breasted women who also love erotic porn, and Dancing. Soon the movie spirals downward though, and they get absorbed into the life of sex, hard core erotic porn, and Dancing, is just farther and farther away from their very weak and fragile souls. The movie then ends with the couple looking at each other, and finding out that they hate each other, but love erotic porno, and that the only reason that they were together is because the space aliens could only have been defeated with and amazing dance. Failing to have accomplished anything with their lives they fall into each others arms and start to cry. Then aliens attack, everyone dies. Moral, don't get side tracked if your dream is dancing, and don't blame things on porno because you are lazy.
#2 You keep wishing that the villain would just win, seeing as how she is far hotter, sexier, and smarter. No argument is really needed for any of that logic, seeing as how she was paid millions, and never spoke a word in the movie. You will notice that movies like this, the ability to act increases exceptionally with the decrease in the amount of lines. Case in point; I would often yell out at the movie "Make them bleed!" causing all of the people that were around me to look in wonder and fear at how I started to demonstrate on a small child that had the luck of procuring a seat next to me.
#3. You (meaning I) get up to use the bathroom because of all of the booze that you ingested before wandering into the movies, get lost both on the way there, as well as on the way back, finally manage back to your seat and you are still in the same chase scene, and are able to easily pick up what happened by guessing you missed some explosions and Arnold trying to be funny.
#4. While in a drunken stupor in the bathroom you figure out the entire plot of the movie.
#5. Start to wonder why the robots didn't take over before. All the army bases seeing are sitting just three or four miles out side of town, and are magically and pleasantly without any trace of security. Super high level, top secret James Bond toys laying on the floor as rejects for being "so five days ago," and no one cares about goes on here, once again, the area is pleasantly unguarded. I managed to count two army bases that should have had nothing smaller then some sort of infinite clone army guarding, and no one was around. Where they all doing drugs and forgot that they should be somewhere? All the equipment that could be used to guard them seemed to be there, and in working order, but it seemed that no one figured out that it would be good for someone to use it for some sort of defensive purposes. They must have just decided that it would be better to look scary, but not waste the man power.
#6. You start to wish you brought more porno.
#7. You notice that it is strange the the army goes through all this effort to have a super computer managed, worked on, and developed, and also has every sort of high tech robot in the same building. Also said robots are fully armed, even though the A. I. running them has never been tested, in any way, nor does it seem that the facility has any area to test them in. This building is the most wonderful in all of the land, because from the outside it can be seen as a (maybe) two story complex that spans less then a square mile. Once on the inside though, HOLY SHIT! It goes on forever. Once inside the building can be seen to really be thirty stories high, with eight full run ways, and has enough room to have a linear excelerator for some reason, that doesn't attack any metal from humans, only the robot kind, and also doesn't cause cancer when stood very very close to.
These are all very valid reasons that you might notice that a movie sucks, some of them are a little specific to this movie, but in all fairness, this movie specifically sucked.