Bucko's Rant: March, 2003
3/20/03 5:15 PM
Dearest Fuckers,
It has come to my attention that i have offended someone. Always my stated goal with this website, I was naturally overjoyed to hear the news. Unfortunately, the people that I've offended don't seem to realize a couple of basic rules.
ONE:
I am GLAD that you are offended. Anyone who is offended by an inside joke on a shitty little website that no one reads anyway SHOULD be offended. You people are the reason that we have politically correct terminology and still refuse to recognize the inherent human rights of minorities. You're too busy labeling someone as an African-American that you don't have time to notice that you're still the bigoted prick that thinks they're the big N when you're out of mixed company. You aren't offended, you just think that society wants you to be offended, so you follow right along, like good little pigs. I mean sheep.
TWO:
There are proper and improper ways to complain. Going through the wrong channels (which I will henceforth call "stupid and cowardly") by complaining to people who may or may not be in contact with us for the rest of the day is stupid and cowardly. Being stupid and cowardly may get some changes made, but they will never get changes made that are to your satisfaction. I have freedom of speech, because I am a citizen of this country and I can use it. You know who else can use freedom of speech? YOU. You DO NOT have to pass your message of disapproval down through the grapevine like we are the gestapo. You are stupid, and you are cowardly.
There is an e-mail link right on our front page. Unless you've never been to a website before because you are Amish, then it should be perfectly clear to you. E-MAIL US, RETARDS. Our operators are standing by one hour a day to make sure that your hatemail is posted on our site and ridiculed. Then we will make every effort to piss you off even more, perhaps even to the point that you
ACTUALLY TALK TO US YOU PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BITCHES.
Almost everyone who has complained knows where one of the two of us lives, sees us on a regular basis and is capable of looking up our Goddamned telephone numbers.
Until you grow a pair of testicles and/or ovaries:
OINK.
If you don't like it, go somewhere else.
I can't write my full rant today, but here are some pictures and captions from today's adventure.
I was held captive for a long time, so i got to see some of the daily rituals of the officers. These are the police officers, I mean, the sheriff's deputies (read: fake cops) that I spoke to lining up at lunch hour. They don't have very good table manners.
Here they are taunting me from just outside the cell in which I languished. I don't think it was very nice of them. They didn't even offer me coffee.
Finally, here they are posing for a group shot. Or...wait a minute. That's just ::BADLY DUBBED VOICE-OVER:: Wil Wheaton. Sorry, I get them confused sometimes.
<<EDITOR'S NOTE 3/20/03: Wil Wheaton has asked that his family pictures not be displayed on the website, so i have doctored them to avoid recognition.>>
That's all for this rant until my lawyer tells me i can talk about it. See ya soon.
3/06/03 11:05 PM
So Gillman needed his anti-acid reflu... I mean, anti-SCURVY (we're pirates! ARRRR!) medication today, and we waddled out in sub-zero temperatures to my trusty steed Vinnie the MiniVan. Once inside, we noticed that 1.) the windsheild was far too fogged to go anywhere, and 2.) some asshole in a Taurus was jockeying for my parking spot.
Something had to be done. Normally, I would have said, "Fuck it," and driven with 5% visability the three-quarters of a mile to Gillman's apartment and given the spot up. But this guy needed to be taught a lesson. I would win.
Let me digress a bit while I talk about Ford Taurus drivers, or at least the ones that don't read this website. I'll excuse you if you are reading this. On second thought, no I won't. No mercy. Sweeping generalizations are what founded this fucking country, and I'll be damned if i'll stop myself for you. So, in the spirit of the Founding Fathers:
FORD TAURUS DRIVERS ARE ALL ASSHOLES.
These are people that buy whatever it is that they see driven all around them. They don't necessarily drive them because they're good, they drive them to say, "Hey! Look at me! I'm middle-class and comfortably mediocre! And, I'm better than anyone that saves money by buying a better, imported Toyota because I BUY AMERICAN!" Newsflash, asshole. You don't have to buy something because it's popular. That is how evil propagates. Britney Spears and the *NStreet BoyZ were founded on blind popularity, and so is the midsize american sedan. Go fuck yourself. Secondly, there are no real lines among countries in the car market anymore. "Japanese cars" are almost all made in the states, and most of "American cars'" parts are made cheaply overseas by children who are forced to work 16 hours a day in an unlit cave and give fellatio to their boss, children who die of syphilis before reaching puberty. "European cars" may be hip, but the EMOs who buy them are social parasites, and everything made in Europe sucks anyway unless it's over 50 grand. So Ford Taurus Drivers ("FTDs") are:
I'd be damned if I was going to let a goddamned terrorist steal my parking spot. I stayed in the car, waiting, playing mind games. Something had to give. One of us would have to take evasive action. It was like a submarine movie when they all have to "run silent." The FTD began to circle the lot like a waiting shark, pausing, minutes at a time, on each pass, ready to pounce. You could cut the tension with a...
"My stomach really hur... I mean, My teeth are starting to fall out!" the scurvy Gillman began to wail. I steadied him with my free hand and gritted my teeth, never once letting the FTD's headlights out of my sight.
"It will be over soon, Gillman. Don't go into the light! We're going to win, in GLORY!"
After a few tense moments, the FTD pulled away, and so did we. It was a hard fought battle, and Gillman had to be hospitalized, but VARMS.NET will not negotiate with terrorists.
WE WIN.
3/06/03 2:10 AM
aahhh...
so the page is finally up, and all the sections are even finished. i'm not gonna lie to you, it was an absolute pain in the ass. but it's worth it.
unfortunately, i think i'm too goddamned mentally drained to write a decent rant. i have fucking tuberculosis, i'm tired, and i'm sick of looking at this damned box in front of me. and yet i'll never look away, will i? the silicon monster has me trapped.
i know for a fact that i'm addicted to the computer. and you know what? i'm glad! people demonize the internet, and the demonize videogames, and then they go out andd smoke a fucking bowl and drink until they pass out. the hypocrisy makes me sick to my stomach. so does my pneumonia. people say that video games and the internet make you violent and sedentary. i'll have them know that i've been sedentary since the day i was squeezed out, and the only thing to ever get me to excercise properly was a VIDEO GAME. DDR should be canonized for tricking all us lardass americans into THINKING we're sedentary even while we sweat ourselves to dehydration levels unheard of in ethiopia. and as far as violence goes, there are enough arguments out there about it that i'm not even gonna pitch into that with "personal philosophy." it's all been said. just know that it's a crock of shit.
and so, even intending to leave this rant about 35 lines ago, on i type, fingers moving faster than ever due to the constant excercise. and i sucked at keyboarding in middle school. that hairy armed she-gorilla can suck my ass. i can look at the keys if i fucking damn well want to. i intend to stop ranting and sleep, but the flashing orange of AIM and the wonderful red of this page lure me back for one more sentence, one more paragraph...
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: INTERNET ADDICTION KEEPS KIDS OFF CRACK.
i could be doing much worse than this, couldn't i? there's no time to mainline heroin while watching 45 minute cinemas in Xenosaga. as long as it's easier to read when you're sober, the internet will save kids from alcohol poisoning. cheers to you, computer! hooray for videogames! and...
FUCK JOE LEIBERMAN!
no. seriously. if any of you votes for this fachist fuck hole i will brain you with an N64 cartrige. RE2 is REALLY heavy. you've been warned.
