Livejournal works in several ways. First, it allows all of its members to post every thought and whim, from the most trivial to the most drama-queen-somebody-take-pity-on-me on the WORLD WIDE WEB, that most sacred and elusive of public forums. Everyone is then expected to "browse" through other users, picking out similar likes and dislikes, making instant Friends! Then, you must read your new Friends posts each day, and Pretend To Care that their lives are constantly shit! It's soooooo interesting. Pretending To Care is the most important part. It closely simulates real life interaction with real life (SCARY!) people. The Fake Friend Network has worked for you! Now, whenever you feel down, just tell everyone about it, and you'll get plenty of sympathetic-type statements from people that are Pretending To Care, or even an opportunity for Cyber-Relations! Now don't forget to do your part and Pretend To Care about all your Friends!

Cyber-Relations:
Pretending To Care, Pretending To Score

Now, it is in the nature of all humanity, whether active in society (FREAKS! SCARY!) or holed up in the cellar with a computer and a roll of paper towels, to have the desire to procreate. The urge for reproduction is a basic human need, and is made difficult by the natural fear we all have for each other. Again, thanks to your very own Fake Friends Network, you too can have a relationship with more than the free model of the day at your favorite pr0n site.

When you decide to take that huge step from solo to mutual masturbation, there are some preparatory steps you must follow!

First, of course, you must identify the future Love Of Your Life. Don't worry: that's just a name! You may decide to get rid of them in fifteen minutes. Remember: they're not real people! Begin by "browsing" through your Friends and look for someone of the preferred gender that most matches your stated interests. One advanced technique you may want to try is Distance Buffering. This means that you pick someone from as far away as possible that still meets the above requirements. If, for example, you live in California, you may want to try finding someone in Upstate New York. Using Distance Buffering, you first lessen the risk of meeting the Love Of Your Life since that is frightening, and second, if a meeting is desired by both parties, the effort taken to arrange the meeting will virtually guarantee a Kiss From A Girl/Boy upon that fateful occasion. However, we're getting ahead of ourselves.

When selecting the Love Of Your Life it is also a good idea to pick from whomever in your pool of Friends has been complaining of problems with a current significant other. This way, you can act as a savior, while enforcing the secrecy that is a vital part of your relationship. These people will be desparate to be "saved," and there you are! Comfort them! Console them! Give them your AIM screenname. Frequent chatting is the first step on the road to Cyber-Relations. The other person will fall for you... and give you their phone number. It is crucial that you act against your fear at this point. Talk to them on the phone. Pretend To Care.

Now you will need to buy a webcam, and broadband internet. In this way, you and the Love Of Your Life can talk on the phone and see each other at the same time. This is a big step, but once you get over your fear, it is the most important. When using your webcam, it is important to remember a few basic rules. First, make sure you hang up the most L337 poster you have directly behind your head. This creates the illusion that you live in a L337 H4xx0r B4ch3l0r P4d!. Second, to further the illusion, push all the empty Mt. Dew cans and empty Ruffles bags to the sides, out of range of the cam! Pretend To Care about the state of your P4d. Third, and most importantly, remember that everyone on a webcam is much more attractive when badly lit. Make sure that you have just the right amount of glare and your facial features will be so indistinct that you will be the universal Adonis!

Soon, Cyber-Relations will inevitably present themselves, beginning, of course, with cybersex. This is very awkward and scary at first, but remember, as you take off your clothes, the other person is going through the same thing as you. Keep those paper towels handy! Remember afterwards to ask whether they had a good time. Pretend To Care!

Now comes the most important part: creating the Cyber-Relationship. Make a new LiveJournal where you share a screenname! This shows all your mutual Friends that you're an item! Depending on the advanced techniques you chose, you may have to have the Love Of Your Life stomp on the heart of their current, real-life (GROSS!) significant other to make your new item-hood official, but don't worry! The Love Of Your Life will need even more comforting and saving now, which you are already prepared to deal with. Throw in a nice added touch by telling lies about and dragging significant other's name through the mud in a series of LiveJournal Comments. Have fun with it! Be creative!

Now you can plan your future together! Make sure you start off with some cute things: send the Love Of Your Life a lock of your hair in the mail, make up special pet-names for each other, and make sure you rub all your Friends' noses in the fact that you're a couple!

You've earned it, Cyber-Stud!