6/5/03 05:37 AM

A Man With a Purpose

When did it become accepted practice that businesses not show their consumers what they were intent on purchasing until the last moment? No, actually, intent is not the word. Ravening, slobbering, masses fight for a sneak peek at certain consumer items. It seems that the more desirable such a product is, the more out of reach information about this product becomes.

Such is the case with E3, the Electronic Entertainment Exposition, held every Spring in beautiful sunny California, where people, if they are not actors or lawyers, have nothing better to do than to go to each and every taping of "The Price is Right" wearing a badly home-made t shirt that says "Bob Barker gives me a hard on... FIVE TIMES A WEEK" just so that, one day, they might get a chance to get up on stage and scream out, with nigh-demonic confidence in their voice, that a pack of gum costs $4.97 at which point they are taken out back and beaten to satisfy Rod Roddy's perverse sexual fantasies of beating absolutely retarded non-retarded people close to death with glowing sequinned jackets...

Little known fact: Rod Roddy is actually the official ambassador of Chaing Mai, Thailand. That gives him diplomatic immunity to cut your bitch ass.

What the hell am i talking about? Oh yes. So after the beatings, these Californians drag their mangled carcasses past the LA Convention Center and are subjected to the biggest carrot dangling slash boot in the balls event of each year, E3.

E3 is gamer and tech geek Mecca. Scattered throughout the golden halls of the expo are booths filled with the newest innovations in computer and console gaming and hardware. Not only are the things, the objects d'art present, but the people who make them. Legends like Shigeru Miyamoto and Hideo Kojima, stroll the halls interacting with their adoring fans. One can hold hands with Miyamoto while sampling the newest incarnation of Zelda, and he'll tell you the fight that he had with his wife one mornign that inspired a certain scene, and then you'll share a knowing glance. Fucking nirvana.

Here stands Gabe, of Penny Arcade, in the loving embrace of Our Father, Shigero Miyamoto. Gabe even admitted that he was so excited, he peed a little.

Each exhibitor booth at E3 is manned by "booth babes", whose sole purpose is to look hot wearing costumes from video games with hot characters in them and hand you free merchandise just for being there.

These people are referred to as "executives".

After each of the three days of exhibition, multiple companies such as Nintendo, Sega, Microsoft, Namco, or even friggin' BioWare hold huge parties where everyone gets to get schnockered with the booth babes and the gamergods while eating free food and letting the first hand gameplay of literally thousands of new games settle into your memory before you wake up early the next morning, pop a couple hangover pills, and do it all again. E3 is the golden promised land assured to my ancestor immigrants, finally brought to fruition.

But, there is a dark, seedy underbelly, and I'm not even talking about Activision.

You see, E3 is a "trade show". In order to enter the gardens, one must be a member of the industry. This includes journalists, exhibitors, and developers. It hurts that the industry doesn't care about me. It hurts that others of my oppressed race of gamers are uncared for by the industry they support. One of us must get in. Varms.net must attain access. Soooo...exhibitors are stuck in their booths and developers are just too cool to be me. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that I must become a journalist.

A game journalist is such a wonderful invention. Play games and alternately bitch or rave about them. I do that anyway. All i have to do is write it in public.

Gillman, Cica, and I have joined in a holy jihad against the exclusivity of E3, and we will not stop until doing a half-assed job at a new gaming website slips us just under the "bullshit, they're not journalists" radars of the E3 masters andgets us press passes into the doors of the electronic church that is the LA Convention Center.

We have begun work this day, and the Varms.net Jihad has begun.

To E3, or to HELL!